Hurt

Weak

I wrote this a week before my exams, and it was the best my tired brain could do-

Content trigger/warning- contains references to panic attacks, has a depressing plot line and also self hate. 

With that, you may proceed. 
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I could feel around me, absolute darkness. It embraced me yet again, as I fell into a bottomless pit. My heart sank, like a heavy ship drowning in the deep blue waters, and the only warmth I had was that of my tears.

Pain struck me like a sharp-toothed creature, eating me from the inside. My legs became numb and I let out a silent wail. I had lost my voice, just like I lost myself. But it wasn't new to me.

I tried, many times, to take this as a way of bringing forth a positive change, but i couldn't. The criticising grew, and with it, my self confidence and esteem lowered to a point where i could actually feel it, gradually disappearing. 

"You are useless!" a sharp voice echoed around the walls of my brain and I felt like someone was stabbing me constantly. I thought i had grown numb to this, but it was back, the same agonising feeling accompanied with voices i my head. "Do you hold any value at all?" i sat down, defeated, rubbing my forehead. The constant throbbing in my head annoyed me further.

My hands trembled while reaching the water by my side, and i try to snap myself out of it. But this, this would never go away. It was now a permanent scar imprinted on me, and no matter what i do, it would never go away.

I could hardly breathe properly, even though my room was properly ventilated and the spinning of the fan sent my dizziness into motion. I hyperventilated, while trying to balance myself while going to the bathroom.

My head throbbed and i struggled to open the tap. I glanced at the mirror, a distorted version of me looked back. I shut my eyes and splashed water onto my face and looked back at myself.

This version of me, I hated it. I hated the lean girl with brown eyes looking back at me from the mirror. I hated everything about her, everyone did.
"Everyone hates me" I whispered looking into my eyes. Tears stream down my face again as i recall what everyone has said about me.

There was just something wrong about me, and everyone was right. I did hold no value, i was just as worthless and pathetic as people said. But i never took it to heart, instead tried to change myself, but when the same words are repeated constantly, you start to believe it subconsciously. 

"Useless" A familiar voice spits out, and I remember standing in the corner listening to the voice making me lower my self esteem yet again.

"I don't know what sin we committed to get a kid like you" The disgusted and disappointed looks on their faces are still a clear memory. It was the kind of look they always held when i was around. That look always outweighed all the good and happy times with them. 

I walked out of the washroom and sat on my bed quietly. Silent tears escaped again and i brushed it off. The thing was, I myself never knew what exactly the problem with me was. 

I tried, everyday, to be this better version of myself, but i never could. I never could, That enraged me. I had given up, I couldn't hold it in anymore, i wasn't as strong as i thought. I was.....weak. 

  The walls began closing in on me, and words began flashing around my mind again."She always has a depressing face" an irritated voice spluttered. 

"Don't ruin my day with your depressing attitude and complaints"

"She is always like this, a lost depressed soul."

"Worthless and pathetic"

My head felt heavy, and i collapsed on the bed. It sucked me right in, to the place i visited frequently now, Darkness and solitude. 

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Sorry if this was too depressing, just a random and stupid idea that came to mind and something i will regret publishing

Do vote, comment and share-

Byeee