Melancholy

30| I need to let go

"You know, I get that you've gone through a lot and I feel terrible. But can you just for even one second, not see me as a threat. I'm not going to hurt you, I never would. And as selfish as this makes me sound, think of me for a second. I need you to put whatever you're thinking behind and move on. You're an amazing sister, you really are, yet it seems like you don't even see me as your brother. Not only am I that but I'm also your twin."

"Think of you? Do you really think that I would put my suffering away just for you to not feel guilt. My lies and guilt are eating me alive!" I shout, my hands shaking and I tighten them in fists. "Yet I'm trying my best to forget that so that you won't blame myself for my problems."

"That's what family is for. It's what I'm here for." He cuts me off and my lip quivers.

"But you weren't!" He stops at my words and I can see him already starting to listen to the voices that tell him it's his fault. "You couldn't have been. And it wasn't your fault. I've come to terms that my life before this wasn't good. I understand that you couldn't be there and there was nothing you could do about it. But if you really want to know what happened, I'll tell you." I soften my voice at the end and he quietly nods his head.

"Fine. My birthday scares me. I've never had a good experience on that day staring from the day I had been sold. Every single time I think of my birthday, I think of the things that were done to me by Nicholas. Because it was the day everything started." My eyes glaze over and Luca looks at me sympathetically.

"I'm sorry Arabella. I shouldn't have said-" He works fast but I smile shaking my head.

"You were right. I get that I'm distant. But I'm trying. I promise."

"And I promise to be there whenever you're ready." He pauses before pointing down to the notebook in my hand. "Now, what's with the book?"

"Well a friend of mine had helped me with the idea. For our birthday party. I had drawn this sketch a while ago and I think it would be the perfect theme." He grins at the page, his eyes following each design. He looks at me, eyes sparkling.

"This is definitely the one."

~~~

Dress shopping.

Two words that I'm terrified of. Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. Unless it comes to an important matter. I've gone through many dominating meetings in which I was always expected to look my best, it was simple. Yet at this moment, knowing we were going dress shopping with my grandma and aunts, I was scared. I was agitated that they may be able to see right through me and my lie.

See, Nicholas not only hurt me but branded me. It was as if he still controlled my every move and decisions. I can't go a day without thinking, what will he say? I can't look at food without thinking of his daily weighings that I would have to take at the end of the day. 40kgs or more meant another punishment and even less portions.

The lingerie aisles in stores make me shiver and I feel myself hold my breath the entire time until it's out of sight. I remember each time he made me wear it for his enjoyment. I was 9 wearing lingerie for him. I felt bare. I felt naked. I felt disgusted. However the struggle turned him on.

I can't even look at a man without fear overtaking me. I hate the feeling of feeling broken, especially when I know it's my fault. I should have gotten help. But that would mean that he won and I don't want him to have that satisfaction.

I know that as long as I give him that power over me, I'll never get the chance to do things myself. But god, it's hard. I'm barely surviving through each day and it's getting so fucking difficult. I'm tired. So damn tired.