Second Chances (Ricky + Nini)

chapter 38 - you've been workin on yourself

"It isn't fair to put that much pressure on someone... the reality is people hurt each other. But people also forgive and love each other."

Ricky nodded. He had a lot to think about and began questioning his relationship with Nini.

"I'm gonna let you think about that for the week, but before our time is up, I'd like to address one more thing.." Dr. Jenn put down her notepad. "Your mom... she passed away recently, right? How did that make you feel?"

"Well, I had the worst relationship with her, but we managed to find some sort of closure. A few months afterward she passed away, and I guess the one thing I keep thinking is that I haven't made her proud."

"Do you think she left you because you didn't achieve or do enough?"

Ricky sucked in a harsh breath. "Yes. My whole life, I've felt that way. The only times that I've felt proud of myself were ... with Nini."

"From what I'm hearing, you have a lot of trouble accepting positive feedback from others, a fear of failure, and you fall into this pattern of self-sabotage... Your issues with self-esteem are causing a lot of anxiety and stress for you, and ultimately ruined your relationship." The therapist explained. "You need to find value in yourself, believe in your worth and forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the past."

"How do you propose I do that?"

"There are many ways to boost self-esteem, such as celebrating milestones (no matter how small), spending time with people who support you and always remembering that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes... I also think it might be a good idea for you to keep a journal. Just log your thoughts and feelings throughout the day, keep track of the negative and positive, and maybe keep a gratitude journal. To remind yourself of the good things happening to you."
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4 months later

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"I'm not ready for next week, you guys." Nini said pacing back and forth in her office. She'd received the invitation from Ashlyn and Red a few weeks ago, she hasn't been able to focus ever since, and she was starting to get nervous. Kourtney and Gina were there for moral support.

"You think he would be at the baby shower?" Kourtney asked.

"Of course he'll be there. It's Red and Ashlyn... plus he's the godfather." Nini had been doing quite well without Ricky. Externally that is. She loved her new position. She's been writing lots of songs and poems. She's working with the YAC kids. And of course her friends are always there for her. But deep inside, she knew something.. someone was missing.

Her friends had tried to set her up with a few guys, but they never made it to the first date. Nini only ever wanted him. Sometimes she felt lonely, but she never felt anything with those other guys. Her heart was tethered to a certain curly-haired photographer in Salt Lake City.

"You do know what that means? if (god forbid) anything ever happened to Red and Ash, you guys would be the parents to their kids right?" Gina chimed in. "It's really hard to parent if you're not talking to him."

Nini groaned in frustration. "So what you're saying is... I should be friends with him?"

"You should be civil with him. I know you, Neens.. You start being friendly with Bowen and then suddenly you're more than friends." Kourtney was always protective of Nini. Nini suspected that Kourt hated Ricky more than her. Partly because Nini didn't hate him. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.