Dysphoria

Chapter Eight

By mid week there was a video going around of a girl getting fucked from behind. She looked a lot like Kat, that blunt black bob of hers was pretty distinct.

I didn't see what the big deal was but, of course people were dickheads about it.

"I'm not saying the girl in the video is you. But if you ever see the guy who took that video, you should cut his break lines. Just saying." I say to her as we walked down the hall.

"For real. She's right." BB says pointing at me.

Further down the hall I see Nate leaning against his locker, laughing at something on one of the guys phone.

"Hold on a second." I reach into my bag and pull out a distinctly large Under Armor hoody.

"Who does that belong to?" Kat grins.

"You'll see." I begin marching down the hall. "Get this on video for me."

"Hey Short King!" I shout, Nate looks up automatically hearing the nickname, I don't think he meant to.

"Here's your hoody back." I fling it at him. "You're a shit fuck by the way. That dick is a 4/10, would not recommend." I walk by shaking my head at him sadly.

Everyone in the hall erupts. People were shouting and laughing. I don't think a girl had ever called him out like that in school. I know he might come murder me in my sleep tonight but it was fucking worth it to offend his manhood in front of everyone.

"Wait what just happened?!" Kat said dumbfounded. "I thought you said you guys didn't fuck?"

"We didn't. But he told everyone we did and there was no point trying to convince everyone otherwise so I said fuck it." I felt nervous but exhilarated. I had been trying to think of a way to annoy him since the cheerleading thing.

"So what is going on with you two?" She elbows me lightly.

"I don't know. It's weird, we annoy each other. And I don't know what to do, he fucking-

"Ms. Gordon! Language!" The teacher frowns.

"Sorry."

I lower my voice into Kat's ear. "He fucking twisted the coach's arm to get me on the cheerleading team. I don't know shit about cheerleading, I'm from Ireland we don't do that!"

"You have a problem with cheerleading?" Maddy turns around to look at me. Clearly she had been listening in.

"No but I don't belong on the team."

"Oh are we not good enough for you?" She folds her arms across her chest indignantly.

"Look, I don't know what you heard or what you've been told about me but I'm not your enemy Maddy. I think you're gorgeous and I'm not trying to come for you or anything you care about okay? I would rather be your friend than your enemy but I'm not going to bow down to you cuz I'm just trying to get through some shit. I've got a mountain of shit on my back and a cat fight is not something I need right now."

She looks at Kat with her eyebrows lifted.

"I didn't sign up for the team because I know jack shit about cheerleading. I don't know any choreography or chants or whatever the fuck. I'm going to look like an idiot." I explain, desperation evident in my voice. My heart starts to race and I feel my lungs getting tight.

Oh fuck. Fuck. Not here. Not now.

"What the fuck is she doing?" Maddy asks as I start gasping for breath.

"I don't know! I think she's having a panic attack." Kat says frantically. "Fuck what do we do."

I could hear my dad's voice in my head calling me weak. Calling me an embarrassment. Calling me a failure. God I can't breath.

I vaguely hear Maddy say to the teacher she's taking me to the bathroom. But it's hard to make out anything because of the loud buzzing in my ears. It was like hearing noises when you're underwater.

"Hey, hey calm down. Nia breath. Breath in through your nose. Listen to me. I'm right here. Out through your mouth." Maddy spoke softly rubbing my arm as I leaned against the pink tiled bathroom.

"That's it, keep going. Breath in. And slowly let it out. There you go."

Her comforting words make my eyes water up.

"I'm sorry Maddy. I'm so fucking embarrassed."

"Don't be. I cry like five times a day." She smiles casually. "What happened?"

"I got signed up for the cheerleading team but I don't want to be on it, I don't want all that attention. I don't know how to cheer or do the moves." I wipe my eyes and try not to sob again. "My dad was a perfectionist, and as his only child if I ever did anything wrong or embarrassed him some way, he would go off on me. Calling me names, putting me down every single day. I had to do things perfectly for him. And this just set all that off in my head as if he was right there saying it all to me again."

"Hey...we can make it work okay, me and Cassie, we're on the cheer team. We basically run it. So we'll get you trained up I promise." She said confidently, popping a bubble of gum.

"No way. You're being serious?" I ask, literally in awe that she would even offer to help me. "This isn't some kind of joke?"

"Why would I do that?" She looked bitchy and offended.

"Because Nate signed me up for the cheer team to fuck with my life for calling him pathetic and I didn't know if you were in on it."

"Did you fuck him?" She asked watching me carefully.

"He asked, I said no. But we did kiss a few times and now he's fucking with me as often as he can." I say honestly. "But I made it worse."

"What did you do?" She seems almost excited.

"Right before class started, I threw his hoody in his face in front of everyone and said his dick was a 4 out of 10." I looked up at her sheepishly trying not to laugh.

"BITCH!" She clapped her hands. "I knew you were on my level." She began tapping her finger nails on the tile excitedly. "My horoscope told me to expect an epic soulmate kind of love coming my way. And here you are. I knew we were gonna be friends."

My heart soared in my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and we hugged and squealed.

"Fuck Nate. I literally hate him." Maddy rolled her eyes. "Look, after school we'll get your uniform and bring it over to Cassie's, she has notes and tapes and shit. We'll get you ready I promise."

"Maddy, thank you. I don't want to start crying again but, I'm really grateful."

"Hey, we get to be hot together and fuck over Nate so it's a win win!" She says cheerfully as we go back to class. "Now wipe you're under eyes and let's go bitch."

After the bathroom incident Maddy was a little more relaxed around me. I think she realized that I wasn't threatened by her dominance I wasn't interested in some kind of girl v. girl drama with her. Instead I wanted to match her energy and be friends.

She started bringing me with her and Cassie around school. The three of us made a good trio, people moved out of our way in the halls and there was a few whistles when we walked to my car.

Of course Nate noticed this new development, watching us walk by with his arms folded against his truck.

"Hey Maddy." He called out.

"What?"

"Let me take you out for dinner tonight." He called out, giving her his million dollar smile.

"Cant you see I've got better plans." She smiled getting into my passenger seat. We blasted music out the window and drove past him.