Blind, Deaf and Tetraplegic

The First Week

This uncertainty converted itself to a spark of hope that made us able to face the coming days. It was a truly troubling beginning, without entertainment, the boredom consumed me. I started to sleep more than 14 hours a day. Hanna looked after everything. While she was home, she had my diapers changed, fed me, washed me up and talked with me by the system I made. These were long conversations, almost monologs by my part. Hanna had brief, even though slow, says by her part.

When she left, anxiety used to visit me. The only things I could do were think and suck the sweet juice by the straw Hanna left in my mouth. Trying to distract myself, I used to remember the good moments of my life. The image of Hanna in our wedding always came to my mind:

She was so beautiful that I wanted to cry. Her white dress was thin and delicate, just like her skin. This was white too, but not as white as a Nordic's skin. Her face, slim and with high cheekbones, was covered by a small layer of makeup, that corrected her little skin imperfections. Her thin lips were colored in red and her brown eyes, eye lined in black. A luminous silver tiara tied the front of her hair, and her blonde curls fell freely over her back.

I also remembered of my childhood and my deceased parents. They died young, 50 and 52 years old. One specific occasion that came into my mind was when the three of us were in a tracking trail. It was 10 o'clock and we were walking hand in hand. As I was still a little kid, I could hang in their arms.

But it wasn't every time that I managed to avoid the anxiety. It used to come slowly, walking through the good memories, and, out of nowhere, attack. I wanted kids. And every time I thought about Hanna, this dream came to my mind. Then I burst into tears, knowing that I would never be a father in the condition I were.

Actually, every dream I had had been destroyed. I would never be able to get a better job in the business I worked — in the administration sector. I couldn't stay in my current position either. I had to resign.

Some fears also came to my mind several times, like that Hanna would abandon me or that someone would break in our house. In both cases, I wouldn't be able to do anything.

In the beginning, the boredom and the impossibility to do things were intolerable. With time, I started to get used to it. I started to tell stories to myself and to explore more the world of the ideas. I went back to the math I learned in school and tried to solve some problems that I had proposed to myself. I organized the historical facts that I knew and started to create essays in my mind about various topics.

At certain moments, Hanna used to come back home and take me off my daydreams with her kisses and food from the bakery. These were the only factual pleasures I had those times. With emphasis on the French kisses, in which Hanna was a specialist.