All I ever wanted

21.

I was carrying my guitar, and I walked up the stairs. We had already carried all the other stuff, and dad was building up the new kitchen table.
I looked my small apartment, I was excited about this, but at the same time I was scared as hell.
How am I going to handle all this? All alone? In a city where I don't know anyone.
"Are you sure you don't regret? That you didn't say goodbye to Olli?" Mom suddenly stood next to me, and I looked at her.
"No, I don't regret it. We haven't talked in months anyways so..." I shook my shoulders and looked dad again, he mumbled something while he looked the different pieces of the table.
"I still can't believe it.. you two were always together, and suddenly it all changed. You have been like different person. I am worried, you know that?" She quietly said and placed her hand on my shoulder.
"Life changes. This is the part when I left all the sadness, bad feeling and sleepless nights to Oulu. Now I turn the new page in my life, but I hope to see Tommi anyways." I tried to be convincing. And mom only smiled and gave me a quick hug, when she turned to look dad too. She only smirked and giggled a bit.
"Sweetheart, why you don't read the instructions?" Mom laughed as she walked up to him.
I was just smiling as I watched those two. Dad just rolled his eyes as he tried to figure out which part goes where.
"Who reads them? I'm a man, I know how to do this." He mumbled and it made me and mom chuckle quietly as we looked each other.

Mom and dad left to the hotel when everything was ready, tomorrow they would go back to Oulu. And of course say goodbyes to me.
Warm summer night, I was sitting in my bed which was next to a window. I looked outside, and kept the window a bit open. I heard some seagulls making noices on top of the roof, my small apartment was on the highest floor of the building, in sixth floor.
Also I heard cars, and few people walking down the small streets.
I hugged my legs. I was scared.
I'm scared of the future. New school, new people, new city... this is so big place, and I will definitely get lost.
I put my hand in my chest, and my heart almost jumped out of my body. I took a quick look on my neck, and I noticed I didn't had that necklace on.
Then I remembered I left it behind in Oulu, to Olli's family's mailbox.
I sighed, and watched the blue sky, and there was shades of orange and pink too.

This is definitely a new start to my life. I don't even have that necklace, which always gave me comfort in the bad times. I always wear it on. But now I don't have it. And probably I won't see it ever again.
I don't have Tommi who could come here to hug me when I can't even breath anymore because of all the anxiety.
I don't have Niko, my big brother. We always sang together, played piano and then we messed around. I wish he could find a band someday, it's all he wishes for.
And I wish I could find new friends. Nobody wants to be my friend, I know it. I'm different than anyone else. I dress all black, my black hair is usually messy and I admire rock music. That's why we were best friends with Olli. We both were different than others, and we were different together.
But in months we haven't been different together.
All those eye contacts we had in school.. he looked so confused and sad. And I probably looked the same.
He was too shy to come back to me. Actually it was me who decided to destroy everything. But I just couldn't keep going. And sometimes you have to break your own heart.

I slept very badly, only four hours. It was 9am by now, and I stood next to my parents van. Mom and dad smiled to me and mom tried so hard not to cry.
"Please, don't cry. I'm going to visit soon, there is still couple weeks of vacation left." I chuckled and tried to comfort mom, she only wiped her tears away and smiled.
"Yeah.. this is just.. a big change. I can't listen your beautiful voice while playing piano anymore." She chuckled and placed her hands on my cheeks.
"You have Niko." I smiled and she just nodded and smiled too.
"Will I have the chance to hug my daughter?" Dad said from behind mom, and she chuckled.
Mom let go of me, and dad smiled at me as he came to hug me. I placed my head against his chest, and closed my eyes.
"I'm sure you can do this. You survive from everything." He quietly said and I tightened my grip.
Will I survive?
"Call us anytime." He said while we pulled apart. I only nodded and smiled.

Soon they were gone, and I just stood in the street, crossing my arms against my chest.
A friendgroup walked past me, they were few years older than me. They laughed and talked, it made me smile a bit. I'm happy to see others happy, and having friends.
But I have Tommi, there is a long distance between us, but it's not a problem. At least that much. We can call each other everyday.

I was laying down on my bed, and I watched the walls as I listened some music at the same time.
I miss Olli. More than anything else. And I'm scared that we will never see each other again.
Or am I scared that we would see each other again?
I don't know, my mind is a mess. It has been a mess for months.
And Tommi was the one who could keep it clean somehow. But even he couldn't keep my mind clean.
Who would fix me? I can't do it.
Maybe I should start therapy, it would be a good choice. I could talk to someone stranger, without being judged.
I still have problems with eating, I'm scared of it. But I can always call to Tommi, and he will encourage me to eat.
Maybe I'm not going to have friends, I will be alone here. But I have music, so I'm not kinda alone.

I walked to the bathroom, and I focused on my hair. Black. It suits me, but somehow it reminds me of Olli. How? Don't know. Maybe because of him I had the courage to dye it.
But I will change it back to my natural color, to brown. Then I would forget everything from the past, and start over.

Memories again, poor Eevi...
Still, after ten years her mind is a mess. Who would fix it?
Thank you so much for reading this story, also every comment and vote means so much to me <3
Stay safe and strong🖤