tricks of time ― grayson hawthorne [the inheritance games]

023. I WAS ALL OVER YOU

"I'm s-sorry," I stammer, "I'm so sorry- I never meant for this to happen- I wasn't thinking-"

I look up at him when I stop fumbling for my clothes on the wooden floor. But he's not listening. Grayson looks hurt, like I've wedged a bullet in his heart with my bare hands and he gets to his feet but he can hardly stand. His body is trembling, and he's staring at me like he wants to say something, but he can't get a word out.

He's shaking his head over and over and over and he's looking at his hands like he's waiting for the part where I tell him I don't mean any of this. I'm practically shoving my clothes on me.

"What's happening? I don't understand, did I take it too far? Leah, c'mon, talk to me."  And I'm so sick, I'm so confused, because I don't want him like that. I don't love him like that. I want too much and I've never felt more like a monster than I have tonight.The pain is so plain on his face and it's killing me.I feel it. I feel it killing me, digging at my insides with it's razor sharp claws.I'm trying so hard to look away, to forget, to figure out how to erase what just happened but I can't.

"Why are you going? Talk, Leah, talk!" He's growing agitated.

"Because this never should have happened.This was a mistake," I say and I want to rip my throat out at how casually I say it.

"You don't love me?" Grayson asks, barely breathing, still looking as if he might fall over. "Is that what just happened? Is that what this is about? Because I don't think I understand what just happened and I need you to say something, I need you to tell me what the hell is happening right now-"

"No," I gasp. "No, I don't, I can't, I want to, Grayson, I swear, I'm trying, but-"

He cuts me off and chuckles dryly to himself, dragging a hand down his face. "I should've known. I should never have told you any of this. I should never have done this. With you," he spits out. He's mad and he's turning back into the cruel boy I first knew- except this time, I can't blame him. "I'm a coward for this," he says.

"No, Grayson, I swear-" I reach out to touch his bicep, but he tugs himself away.

I want to cry.

"Don't touch me," he says, coldly. A few seconds go by and we're dressing in silence.

"Why?" he finally demands, voice slightly softer but not by much.

"Maybe I just d-don't want to be with you," I lie through my teeth.

"I know you want to be with me!" he explodes.

"You're wrong."

"Really?" He struggles to rein in his temper and takes a step closer, so much closer, and I can see his face too clearly, I can see his lips too clearly, I can see the anger and the pain and the disbelief etched into his features and I'm not so sure I should be standing anymore. I don't think my legs can carry me much longer. I don't think my body can keep my alive for much longer.

"Y-yes." I am mere moments from losing my mind.

"Well I will not be your clown!" He breaks away from me. "I will not allow you to make a mockery of my feelings for you!I could respect your decision to just reject me, Leah, but doing this- doing- doing what you just did-"

He has trouble finding words. He seems like he wants to shout, shatter something, or is really, honestly ready to go insane but instead he runs a hand across his face, and runs both of his hands through his hair. When he finally speaks, his voice is nothing but a scratchy whisper.

"It's child's play," he says. "I thought you were so much better than that."

"I'm not a child-"

"Then be honest with yourself!" he says. "Be honest with me! Tell me the truth!" My head is rolling around in my skull, circling around and around and around and I can't make it stop. I can't make the world stop spinning and my confusion is rapidly turning into guilt which quickly evolves into anger and suddenly it's bubbling raging rising to the surface and I look at him. I clench my shaking hands into fists.

"The truth," I now tell him, "is that I never know what to think of you! Your actions, your behavior—you're never consistent! You're horrible to me and then suddenly you try to become my best friend in the whole world-" I snap, backing away from him. "You don't care about other people and what you've done to them, do you? I'm sorry that you have no mercy for yourself!"

Grayson flinches like I've slapped him in the face.

"Don't you fucking dare play victim like you always do. Not today. Not now." My breath catches. My resolve wavers.

"No- I didn't-"

"You have no idea what you've done! You don't know how to stop toying with people, do you!?"   His words are furious as he steps forward. "I know my own heart," he snaps. "I know who I am. And now I know you, too."

"Grayson, I swear I-"

His anger is fueling, a pit of rage bubbling in his stomach that was a pit of desire just moments ago. "I thought you could love me for me," he says. "I thought you would be the one person in this godforsaken world who would accept me as I am! I thought you, of all people, would understand."

"You've been nothing but cruel, doing nothing but harassing me for my whole existence. How do you expect me to love you after 9 days?"

I don't know why I'm still arguing with him. I don't know why I'm still playing the victim. I am a monster.

His face is right in front of mine when he says, "I was wrong. I was so horribly, horribly wrong." He backs away. He grabs his shirt and he turns to leave and I should let him go, but I can't, I catch his arm, I pull him back and I say,

"Please- that's not what I meant-"  He spins around and he says,

"I do not want your sympathy!"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you-" I can't stomach the look in his eyes, the wretched, awful pain he's making no effort to conceal. I don't know what to say to make this right. I don't know how to take my words back. I should've just confessed that I am the monster here.

"Well if you weren't trying to hurt me, you are a cruel human being. To think that doing that- wasn't going to-" He doesn't have the energy to finish his sentence. He takes a tight breath, presses his lips together as if to stop the words from escaping. "Good-bye, Leah."

I watch him turn to me and turn away and for one split second I see what's happened, I see the difference in his eyes, the shine of emotion I never would've dreamed him capable of. I see his eyes, originally so bright and resembling stars in the moonlight: now dreary; dead.

He's gone forever.

And I am a monster.

authors note

hi everyone! i absolutely loved this chapter, sorry about such a sad and rough ending.just wanted to give some credits to unravel me by tahereh mafi. i used a pretty similar replica of one of her chapters for this chapter. i just absolutely adore her writing and shatter me. i love aaron warner so much please let him marry me now. if y'all have read the shatter me series, let me know in the comments. hopefully someone understands why i love him so much and why i genuinely cannot accept the fact he's not real. makes me cry, scream, throw my pillow across the room. it's not fair for a fictional character to be that perfect 😭.

ps: this might be my longest and my favorite chapter! it just feels so perfect to me.

word count: 3544 words