Red vs blue and purple

Getting Debriefed

Cut back to the portcullis. Sarge walks up to Donut and looks at him.

Sarge: What's all this racket?

Donut: There's an enemy tryin' to get in to the base.

Sarge looks down at where Donut is looking but just sees Simmons.

Sarge: Where?

Donut: Right there.

Donut points at Simmons and Sarge is just more confused because he's a sad old man.

Sarge: ...Where, behind Simmons?

Simmons: He means me, Sir.

Donut smiles in realization.

Donut: Ohhh, Simmons. Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Simmons: Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Donut: Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."

Simmons: I am me.

Donut: But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

Simmons: That's because I'm me.

Grif comes out and looks at Them.

Grif: And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Simmons: Well, now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge: I don't want to hear it, Blue.

Simmons: What? This is valuable information about the war.

Sarge: There's no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

Simmons: But Sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Donut: Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

Simmons: No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge: Alright, enough. The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is gettin' Court-Martialed.

Grif looks at Sarge with a grin.

Grif: Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror. Well, I'll go pack my bags... Nice workin' with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Cut to Tucker with Sabine's arm around his shoulders and Caboose who's carrying Andy approaching Blue Base with new mittens. Church walks up to them.

Church: Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes, what's up guys?

Tucker: Meh.

Church: Hey where's Tex?

Tucker: Gone.

Church: Where's the alien?

Tucker: Dead.

Church: Well how'd the quest go?

Tucker: Failed.

Church: Yeah you know I... I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I.

Andy: Eh I wouldn't say "failed," but these guys definitely screwed it up royally.

Tucker: What? We didn't do anything!

Andy: Exactly. You let Tex and Sabine do all the work and got the alien killed. Sabine even got shot.

Tucker: Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do. So, technically we didn't screw anything up.

Caboose: It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple.

Church: Well is Tex okay?

Tucker: She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.

Church: Tex?

Tucker: Yeah.

Church: Wyoming?

Tucker: Yes.

Caboose: Massachusetts.

Tucker: Seriously, stop it.

Church: Wait, what happened to her?

Tucker: Wyoming was gonna Shoot Tex but got  Sabine instead because she was protecting her.

Sabine looks up at Church who is surprised.

Sabine: (slurs) I'm fine, I'm just really tired right now. I'll go back to base in a little bit.

Sabine drops her head as Church looks at Tucker.

Church: Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?

Tucker: Tell you when? We just got here.

Church: Yeah but you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest.

Andy: Eh, I really wouldn't say "failed" here...

Tucker: This conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry, where's the food.

Church: Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible. Okay?

Tucker: Well here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We. Suck.

Church: I said new information.

Tucker: Don't we have anything to eat in this place?

Sabine gets off of Tucker and looks at them.

Sabine: Well this has been fun but I'm gonna go back to my base now.

Sabine points to where red base is but doesn't move. They stare at her for awhile when she starts moving forward.

Sabine: Actually I'm gonna go to sleep, on my face.

Sabine passes out and Tucker catches her very surprised by the weight.

Tucker: You know, I expected her to be heavy.

Church: Whoa Dude, do not cross that line. It never ends well when you call a girl fat. Trust me.

Tucker: No, I mean she's light for a girl with a bunch of muscles.

Church: Good point. Let's get her inside.

Tucker: Hopefully there's food. I am really hungry.