A Glass to the Lonely and the Broke

To the Shattered and the Lost

I eagerly raised my glass into the air, smiling widely. In the dim lighting, I could see Alexander smiling so fondly at the woman he just married. A lovely woman with a beautiful smile, a beautiful woman with gorgeous eyes.

He chose her. It's only fair that I show my support, instead of my jealousy. To say I was jealous would be far from the truth, wouldn't it? He had not belonged to me to begin with, and it's in his ever-loving right to marry who he desires.

I never owned him. That would be horrendous to say, blasphemous even!

Before I could consider my own thoughts, I rose a glass into the air, and I laughed. "A glass to the lonely and the broke! To the wed and the divorced! To the shattered and the lost! We're all here to unite under one power! And to you, my dear boy, my love burns warm... You, my dear boy, I still crave more than anything... I still love you more than my words can express, sober or drunken..."

I cover my mouth, my glass shattering beside me. The glass that shattered bounced from the floor and grazed my stockings. Alexander stared back at me with flaming eyes, and furrowed brows. I can't quite read how he's feeling, which is odd. I always know how he feels.

"Laurens... We need to speak." The sternness in his voice made me shiver, and I was beginning to think that I had truly messed everything up.

I looked away, fearful. What had I just done? Did I confess my feelings- or perhaps my drunken self is imagining that I had done that. It would seem almost stupid that I would confess something so stupid, wouldn't it? The stupidity is almost blinding. I'm in a room full of people from the Schuyler family, and other relatives. I'm in a room full of judgmental eyes.

Something in my mind just didn't seem to care. 

Before I could process much more, my arms had been intertwined in Alexander's. I looked to the man, almost apologetically. Everyone else seemed to go back to the regular, cheering and celebrating. It's nice to see people so happy on Alexander's big day.

That's greedy to say.

It's not just Alexander's big day, but his bride's as well. Elizabeth must be ecstatic. I'm being selfish with my shameless desire for Alexander. Shameless desire, or hopeless love? Both are equally as shameful.

Is it right that a man crave another, especially a married one? Is that against the eyes of the lord, or merely the public?

Societal views have never once stopped me from being who I truly wanted, behind closed doors that is. Many of my friends, and formers know that. Francis Kinloch had know that especially well. That might be the reason that things hadn't been well between us. 

I could now feel the cool breeze of the night air, and I took a deep breath, resting my eyes. "Alexander..."

"Laurens, I know this is as hard for you as it is for me... But you can't just go off and say things like that. Not in front of them... Not in front of Betsy..." 

Pity, I believe, that I can not express my true self.

"You've known me so much longer than you knew her. What did she have-? What happened you not wishing to wed, Alexander?"

He took a step back, staring up at me. "Laurens-..."

"No, Alexander, please... Explain? Is it the family riches that got you? Or simply the idea that you'll have a higher social status? I come from a wealthy family- my father has his own plantation- what do I not have that she does?"

'Laurens, calm yourself,' I begged myself, 'Do not ruin his night. He deserves the happiness.'

"Laurens, you know we could never marry-" 

"We could elope!" I offered, "my father would never care enough to look for me! Please, Alexander, don't leave me alone... I can't be alone- not again..." 

Alex smiled softly, and I soon felt a hand on my cheek. I leaned in, almost desperate for the touch. "Laurens, dear... You know it would never go the right way for us... Not in the eyes of those who judge for look... Not in the eyes who believe those with darker skin should be bound and put to work... Not in the eyes of those who could never understand our pain unless they had felt it." 

I glanced to the ground. He is right, I know he is right, but goddamn it! I truly wish he wasn't. I pull away from his gentle touch, a certain warmness drawing my attention. I placed a hand on my face, soon looking to see what had caused the warmth, noticing the glimmer of tears in the dim moonlight.

Everything seems so dim as of late. It's a pitiful sight, truly. The world used to be so bright, especially when I could truly understand myself and how I felt.

Perhaps, it's the effect resulted from the fact I've drunk more the past while, or perhaps it's the dimming emotions as I try to grow more firm, try to put those walls back up around my heart. But, god, they are tumbling and shattering to the ground.

"I'm so sorry, Alexander..."

"Do not worry, John... Please... I was hoping you'd say something. I was tired of seeing you mope about in there... I was so worried, I wanted to know what was wrong." 

I laughed blankly, shaking my head. "Oh, Alex... I want you to be happy-... But I want to be happy with you... I want this to be our life. But now, you're with Eliza-... And..." 

"Nothing between us will change, Laurens..." Alexander smiled softly. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I hugged him tightly. I can't help myself anymore. I need to feel him- I need to love him. 

"Go enjoy the rest of your night, Alexander. I'll see you soon..."

"Be careful, John..."

"Remember, Alex... Always raise a glass to the shattered and the lost... It's you and I, my dear boy. It will someday be acceptable... It'll be okay for us."

Alex smiled and gave me a quick nod. "Raise a glass!" 

---

I smiled as I stared up at the sky. "Raise a glass..."

Lifting my sword into the air, I almost laughed as I lie here, bleeding. What a spectacular feeling, what a beautiful day!

For my Alexander, the fight will go on.

For me, the fight is gone, it has faded. I have finally gone, I have finally faded.

To this world, this is my adieu.

To this world, this is my end.

Goodbye, my Alexander. It is I who waits for you when you close your eyes for the final time. It is I who will hold you after you die.