TEN YEARS, The Kenny Ackerman Story BOOK TWO~ FUTURES, by Melly O'Hara

FAITH

Which was what we both knew I truly felt. No more dancing around it. No more tears. No more silent acceptance of his stupid, destructive dream.
That I understood. But could never condone.

"What?! Ya think I dunno that?! ' Xactly how damn stupid da ya think I am?!" Kenny answered, raising his voice as he stood up to face me, his chair tipping over as he stood. " Shit, Owl! You're my damn wife! I woulda 'xpected ya ta believe in me a little more 'an this! Dontcha know me at all?!" he yelled, his grey eyes hurt and furious, pain and anger written all over his face as he stood there waiting for a response.

"Then, for God's sake why, Kenny?! Why?" I pleaded, my eyes welling with tears that spilled out, rolling down my cheeks, as I stared at him; hoping that the sight of my pain would be all he needed to tell me he'd changed his mind. That he would alert the Military Police immediately and send them to arrest Rod.
Or that he would call his men and tell them that there was one more 'loose end' that needed tidying up.
That his love for me would make him abandon this stupid, dangerous deal he'd made with Rod.

"Why?! Why?!" he thundered. "Dontcha listen ta a word I say?! Ya've been married ta me for nearly ten fricken years! Ya've shared my bed! Ya have my heart! God! I've tol' ya things I've never tol' another livin' soul! An' ya ask me, 'Why?'", he asked me, his voice full of disbelief, his eyes full of suffering at my betrayal.
"Do ya have ANY idea o' what it's like ta be ME, Owl?! Any idea, at all?" his voice cracking with emotion, his eyes pleading. " Every day, I fucken PRAY, that this'll be the day where I don' live in Hell. Where I don' have ta be Paradise's garbage collector. An' every day I wake up feelin' like the complete an' utter useless piece o' shit, that I KNOW I am. No matta what I do! No matta what.. it's always with me! This fucken power. This fucken curse! It STOLE my soul an' replaced it with DEATH! An' for what?! It couldn' save Kuchel or Levi. An' all I'm left with is this gapin' hole inside. This ENDLESS, fucken emptiness. Where I'm nothin'! I'm  jus' a piece o' trash in a man's body.
He waved his hand to silence me, as I opened my mouth to contradict him, and continued.
"Fuck it, Owl! I know what ya gonna say. That I'm not. That, I'm a good  guy, blah, blah, blah. Haven't ya got it yet?!...It DON' matta what anyone else thinks! Or how much respect the world gives me OR don' give me...
NONE o' it makes any difference!
Dontcha ya see?...... I don' FEEL it! Not here!" his face desperate, as his hand gestured to his heart.
" I love ya Owl. I really do. And bein' married ta ya is what's gotten me through this far. But I CAN'T face the rest o' my life feelin' like this. I jus' can't. I'm a strong man. But even strength gotta break sometimes. I NEED this! I need this ta STOP! I need this so bad!" he begged me, tears appearing at the corners of his eyes, his face imploring me to understand, to support him.

I rushed into his arms, tears streaming down my face as I held him close; his arms encompassing me, holding onto me as if I were a lifeline in a stormy sea. Burying his face in my hair, I could feel his tears fall. His chest taut with the effort of keeping his anguish in check; under control, and when he felt that he'd won the battle and could speak, without breaking, he continued.

" I know it's dangerous. I know Rod's a cunning, two-faced bastard. But I gotta do this. Please, Owl. Please. Help me," Kenny beseeched me, continuing to hold me tight, as if he would crumble, if he released me from his grasp.

Holding him tight, as if my love could make him strong, make him whole; I realised that it couldn't. That love may make the world go round, but it couldn't fix everything. It couldn't alter a person's biology. Or bring back the dead. Or change our destinies. No matter how much I loved or how hard I tried. There were some things that my love, that I, that all of us, had no control over. And the only thing left for love to do, the only way love could be effective, was by taking second place and by placing someone else's need ahead of your own; ahead of your own love.
Even if their choices were wrong or would result in disaster.
Where love found its limit, faith had to take over. The faith, that despite the odds, that there WAS an ultimate meaning. And that things would work out for the best, eventually.
Even if it didn't seem that way at the time.
Realising I had reached the limit of what my love could do for him. Knowing it could never take away his torment. Ever. I prayed for faith. Faith in him. Faith that something bigger than my love WOULD heal him. Faith that he knew what he was doing. And that he would be alright.
Because it was clear to me now, that if Rod or the serum didn't kill him; this suffering would.

"Of course I'll help you" I whispered into his chest. "Of course I will".

I felt his body relax as the relief flooded through him, and his tears gently began to fall as we held each other close, united against the pain that threatened to divide us.

"I love you, Kenny", I whispered, stroking his back. "I love you. It's okay. I'm here."

"I love ya, Owl", he replied. " Don' leave me. Please don' leave me."

"I won't. It's okay. I'm here", I repeated, until his fear subsided.