It felt good, to not have to be responsible for everything all of the time. I felt warm and cloudy, and everything felt like it was spinning, but I didn't want it to stop. I didn't feel anxious anymore, and the noise felt like a heavy weighted blanket cloaked over me, surrounding me from the horrors of the outside world.
Alfie came back with two cups in his hands, handing one to me.
"It would be so easy to murder you." he said, sitting down as well. That was hysterical to me, for some reason. We both sat in the corner, laughing like idiots.
"Well...." I trail off, trying to think of a witty comeback, but there's nothing. "I don't know...where the drinks are."
Alfie starts giggling and we start laughing again.
Eventually, after we've caught our breath, he asks another question.
"Hey you like, wanted to go out tonight right? With me?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I just wanted to make sure I wasn't yknow, off base with you."
"What do you mean "off-base"?" I say, another giggle bubbling from my chest. I take another sip of the drink.
Alfie rubs his face, trying to find the words.
"I think you're really cool, and I wouldn't like, wouldn't wanna put you in a situation that's like, weird, or uncomfortable."
Then the message gets through my thick skull.
"Oh! No I get it." I nod, wisely. "No I really like you too, and I'm...very comfortable around you. I'm gonna be honest, I didn't wanna go, but like, because you're here I do, and I feel good." I explain and Alfie, takes my hand again.
I like it when he takes my hand.
Any doubts or hesitancy he might have had seem to be gone, the spark in his eyes visible again through the bright lights.
"Let's go dance." he says, pulling me up.
I can't dance, but that doesn't matter. We move, and jump, and go buckwild to the music being blasted from the speakers. It doesn't matter that we're imperfect because we don't need to be, because in that moment we have each other.
After a while, I feel two hands on my shoulders, steadying me. It's Alfie, who's stopped dancing and is watching me smiling, breathless.
"Hey, is everything okay?" I ask. "Did you wanna slow dance or something?"
He laughs and puts his head on my chest, clinging to me.
"No, you're just. Pretty." Alfie stands up straight. "Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"100%?" he asks, leaning closer.
"100%." I mumble, closing the gap between us.
It's like fireworks in my chest spark. It feels good, and right, and I never want to leave. I wrap a gentle hand around his neck and we stay there for a minute, together, and nothing else matters.
And then suddenly it does.
Suddenly, everything matters, when out of the corner of my eye, I see an undoubtly recognizable tuft of curly blonde hair, moving through the crowd.
I pull away from Alfie and start looking around like a madman.
Suddenly everything crumbles.
Alfie touches my arm, concerned.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I just, need a second." I tell him, leaving him for the first time that night, pushing through the crowd, following the blonde hair.
"Aspect?" I call, but he doesn't turn around. "Aspect!"
I end up outside of the section of the house that the party host owned, and the hallway is empty and dark.
I see him standing there, in the middle, just as healthy and alive as ever. Indescribable relief floods my chest.
"Oh my god, you-" I start saying.
Alfie catches up with me.
"Owen? Hey where the hell are you going?" he calls, and when I look back from where he spoke, Aspect is gone.
"What-"
"I said where-"
"No, not you. He was there, he was right there."
"Who? There's no one there. Are you ok?"
"Yes! Aspect was right there, he was alive and okay and-" my voice catches in my throat and everything comes crashing down on me.
"Owen there's no one there." Alfie says, confused.
"But I saw him!" I whine, like a child would.
"We should go outside, get some fresh air."
"Alfie- you have to believe me."
"I do, we just need to sober up."
"He was right there." is all I can think to say, crying quietly, rubbing my face as we go back through the crowds, and out the door to the front driveway.
The cool air hits my face and I break down in Alfie's arms, tired of processing, tired of being responsible, tired of not having Aspect around.
~~~
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