All I ever wanted

12.

I was happy back then. I laughed a lot, everyone told me how pretty smile I have because I almost showed it to everyone. I had hope. I told everyone that everything will be fine. And that life wins.
Sometimes I felt sad, but it was always Olli and Tommi who made me feel better.
My other best friend, Emilia. She was the opposite of me. She was pessimistic, didn't like people and she only was wild and free soul with me. Because she felt comfortable around me, I told her many times that she's perfect, beautiful and so on. It made her confident around me. But not with other people.
Then she changed when she lied to Olli. She became the optimistic, laughing all the time and has much energy. That annoying energy. Fake energy.
And I have became the one who doesn't believe in anything. And it's kinda sad.

"I think about it sometimes." I said, breaking the silence between us. Tommi lifted his head up a little, that was the sign he was listening carefully. He also had his eyes on me, but I looked the plastic water bottle in my hands.
"What do you think about?" He asked carefully when I didn't continue after couple of minutes.
I shook my shoulders.
"That why I am like this." I nervously chuckled and our eyes met when I lifted my gaze up.
Tommi looked thoughtful.
"Time and years changes people. We grow mentally and physically, and also our minds are changing. Some things are not permanent. Like opinions, they change, sometimes they don't. Just like people." He started to talk wisely. I have always appreciated that in him. Maybe he doesn't talk much, but when he does, it makes us think. And he only says facts.

"Is sadness permanent? It feels like it..." I mumbled, Tommi leaned against the table, supporting his jaw with left hand. And he looked a bit around, like trying to find answer from somewhere.
"It's not. Definitely not. Maybe it feels like it, but believe me, it's not forever." He looked my eyes again.
I just gave him a little smile, as a sign that I believe him. I do believe him, but somehow my mind is telling me other things.
Tommi studied my eyes, and my face. Like trying to see if he could say something else.
"You're in love. That's the reason. Love makes people happy, but sad at the same time, if you don't get that love back from the one." He continued, and he hit straight to my heart with his words.
Not because it hurted me, but because he was right.
"Doesn't it sound a bit weird? That I'm sad and all because I'm in love?" I asked.
I felt stupid person for asking guestions like this, but maybe something inside me wanted more wise words from Tommi.

"No. We can't control our feelings. But if that continues many years, I don't know if it's worth of your time. You have so much to do in life, and if you spend it crying after someone you love..." He started, and never broke the eye contact we had.
I bit my lower lip from inside of my mouth, I knew what he had to say. I tried to prepare myself for that.
Tommi took a deep breath and looked his hands for s second, then my eyes again.
"I'm sorry that I'm saying this and I really don't want to.. but..." He said.
"Just say it." I closed my eyes for a second.
I could hear how he sighed.

"Maybe you should move on." He finally said it.
It was another hit to my heart, and I felt it.
Tear escaped from my other eye, and immediately I wiped it away.
"You see? That thing hurts you so much and I see it very clearly. And you have no idea much it hurts me and others to see you like that." He said with worried tone and took a grip of my hands.
I continued crying. But then I chuckled a little bit.
"When Joel told me that.. that I have to move on.. he has said it many times.. it always hurted.. and I got angry.. but now I only feel like I'm the weakest person alive right now..." I sobbed.

"You need to get some sleep before night. I know how much you would like to be alone then but everyone else here wants to celebrate with you." He stroked top of my hands.

"What are you guys talking about?" Suddenly Olli's voice came from somewhere and I opened my eyes. He stood only couple meters away from us, he had his sunglasses on. In other hand he hold energy drink and with other he hold his phone.
"Nothing. Eevi is just tired." Tommi speaked up while I wiped my tears away fast.
I saw that Olli didn't believe a word he said, and he took those sunglasses off.
"Eevi, I see that you're not okay." Olli said worried and walked next to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder, but I immediately stood up and he let go of me.
"I'm tired. I'll go back to hotel and sleep couple hours. Tell to others." I looked Tommi and he nodded while he stood up too.
"I can walk with you there." Olli suggested. I couldn't even look at him.
"No, don't bother yourself. You have show in few hours, prepare to it." I looked the ground and then I started walking away.
"Eevi." He took a grip of my wrist when I was little further away from them.
I stopped, and one single tear wanted to show itself on my cheek again. But I didn't have the interest to wipe it away.

"Look at me." He said. I hesitated. My mind yelled no, but my heart shouted yes.
I didn't make any move, until I felt his fingers under my jaw. I flinched a little bit.
Slowly and gently he moved my head, and while I looked the ground, our eyes still met because he searched for it.
"I'm worried about you. I wasn't there on your lowest, but I want to help you now. Let me, please." He said guietly, with his gentle voice.
One tear was finding it way out of my eye again, and when it slowly runned down my cheek, Olli saw it. He broke our eye contact for a moment, and wiped it away with his thumb.
It was too much for me.
"I'll go to sleep." I finally said and somehow he let me go.
His touch.. too much for my mind and heart.

So sweet.. I don't know what to say.
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