In Shadows We Rise

Chapter 42

Reia

I was honestly expecting death to be more comfortable. Honestly, my whole body feels like it's gone to hell and back and I'm uncomfortably warm. Holy shit. Am I in hell? Damn it, I know I did some things that, uh, weren't ideal but in the world we lived in there are no saints. I tried to be good. Okay. I tried to be okay most of the time. Hell? The whole point of dying was to get back to my mom and brother.

Yeah, nope, that's not gonna work. I'll just have to find the manager of this place and get them to bring me to my family. That's it. Any moment now I'll open my eyes and make things right.

But my eyes don't want to open. I am really trying but my lids seem to weigh a ton. So you still need to fight for things in the afterlife, fine.

I wrench my eyes open painfully but immediately close them when the light blinds me. And here I thought hell was going to be all dark and gloomy. Death is full of disappointments.

Before I can open my eyes once more a set of arms encircle me. Dex, I think for a second. I almost want to hug the person back until a familiar scent invades my nostrils and I stiffen instead. I open my eyes to see a familiar ceiling. No. I can't be here. Not again. Never again.

The arms let go of me so Atticus can look at me. He's close, way too close.

"You're awake. Thank the gods but holy moly that took you long." I force myself to meet his gaze since there is no way I'll give him the satisfaction of cowering beneath him. Even if it's just in the form of averting my eyes, I won't be seen as weak.

When my dead heart seems to tear anew, I realize something is missing. My darkness isn't present. My attention falls to my wrists, or more precisely to the shackles binding them. When I look back at Atticus my expression is enough to make him step further out of my space.

"We just wanted to see what condition you were in when you woke up. Almost dying tends to take a toll on people." The voice I once thought belonged to my friend makes me turn my head to my right. There he is, Xander, with his warm brown skin and his kind eyes. Lies, I repeat to myself. All lies. There's nothing warm or kind about this man. He's as rotten as the others are.

"What the hell is this?" I hiss, trying to sound intimidating even when I feel weak. My voice sounds like it used to and I focus on not letting it affect me. There is no me left, there's only the darkness. Now the men around me have taken even that, forcing me to suffer from the pain I so carefully ignored for the last week in the process.

"We need to talk. We should have talked days ago instead of letting you leave and we're sorry we didn't but it's time now."

"There is no we," I insist. Xander sighs, looking more exhausted than I remember ever seeing him but I won't feel bad for him. What gives him the right to look tired?

"I know we owe you like a billion apologies and would still not come close to making things up to you but this whole situation is a mess and pretending it's not helps no one." It helps me.

"Fun way of showing me you're sorry by chaining me up."

"I'm sorry for that but it's best for them to stay on until everything is settled." I don't like the sound of that. My heartbeat picks up at the thought of having to be in the presence of the Rebels without the strength of my powers. Without any sense of comfort or reassurance.

"You can't force me to be here," I protest, trying to keep my voice even. I won't let them see me break. I won't let them break me. I steel my spine even as the muscles in my back protest. I've figured out by now that Layla must've healed my wounds but that doesn't mean I can't feel what happened to me.

"You have nowhere to go and we need to make things right. I'd hoped you didn't see it as us forcing you but it's what we'll take as long as you stay safe with us." Turns out I don't need my darkness to feel hatred and burning anger.

"With you is the last place I'm safe! Now fucking unchain me!" I want to hurt them. Atticus isn't even meeting my eyes while Xander still looks like a hurt puppy. I want to give them a reason to act hurt.

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" I snap.

"Because you're different when they're off. On the battlefield, gods Reia, you weren't yourself. You didn't sound like yourself and you certainly didn't act it. I understand you must have felt lost and hurt after the night you left us but we're trying to make things right. You can't let the darkness take over." He's kidding. He must be fucking kidding. Wasn't he like an empath the last time we spoke because, holy shit, why does he keep talking if he can feel what it does to me. If he can feel how murderous it fucking makes me.

"What I do is none of your business," I force through gritted teeth. The nerve these people have.

"We're your family," Xander says.

"My family is dead!" I yell. "You don't get to call yourself my family when you're the reason the last member of my actual one is dead. You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot do and you don't get to keep me here against my will. Unchain. Me." I don't want to do this. I can yell at them all I want but in the end, I'm still the one dying inside. I need my darkness back to make it better.

"Reia, please listen to us," Atticus says. I stay quiet, clenching my teeth against the ache behind my eyes. I want to sleep. Even though I just woke up I feel incredibly tired. Atticus takes my silence as an invitation to speak which it very much is not. "Things went down really badly between us, believe me, I know. I've been thinking about it none stop from the moment you left and I can't begin to apologize but you need to know that it was a mistake. I didn't mean what I said, okay? I felt like I had something to prove and I am so sorry you got caught in the middle but it wasn't true."

"Stop. Just stop talking and leave me alone," I say through gritted teeth. I don't want to listen to his excuses. I don't want to hear his voice. When he seems about to interrupt me, I add, "I'm tired." I leave no room for discussion and Xander finally seems to accept it. He heads for the door, pulling a reluctant-looking Atticus along with him. The door falls shut behind them and I sag in my bed.

I try to call out to my powers while holding back tears. I get no response, no sign of them ever having been there at all and the first sob escapes my lips. I can't do this again. Not alone, not at all. I don't want to keep feeling this. I have nothing left to fight for.