Someone Else

Realising

Ash Collins seems like your average teenage girl looking from the outside, but no one understands how she feels. Not even her family can make sense of it. She does her chores without complaint, gets straight A's in all her classes and never misses a commitment. Except she's trapped in her own mind. A prisoner. She's not the one controlling her body, doing all of these feats, her mind is screaming but her body is quiet. 

Monday 17th February - 7:30 am

The alarm on her bedside table sounds, time to get ready for school. Ash groans and wakes up from her slumber. The only time she is in control is in her dreams. Back to watching her life from the passenger seat of a car. This is how life has always been for Ash, as long as she can remember, she's been watching someone else make the decisions that have led her to where she is. Ash never thought she was different until explaining it to her friends Robbie and Sarah Jones. The twins met Ash at kindergarten and have been inseparable ever since. Ash or the person or thing that makes every choice for her is reckless, spontaneous and doesn't seem to have much of a plan for their future. The conversation with the twins came about after Ash decided, out of nowhere, to book an around the world trip straight after graduation. Before then Ash had been so set on going to university and becoming a forensic anthropologist. Everyone around her was shocked, to say the least. Ash had always been driven in school and knew from a young age that she wanted a meaningful career. She has worked ever since starting high school, 7 days a week at the animal shelter and still managed to get good grades. The trip was all paid for before she had even said a word to her best friends, let alone family. 

Liz and Joe are Ash's parents. They met and got together in high school before marrying and having Ash and her older brother Steven. They are incredibly proud and supportive parents, Steven is in a gay relationship with his partner of three years, Kyle. Steven is 21 and finishing his bachelor's degree in engineering and is staying at home to save money for an apartment once he gets an internship. The tickets for Ash's trip turned up in the mail and instantly she was questioned. Ash didn't have any answers and she had no idea why the tickets had been bought, but of course, her other conscience had the answers. She wanted some life experience before going into 30+ years of work that would not permit big holidays. Her parents and brother brought the story but still worried about her going alone to all sorts of countries.

It's hard to explain without sounding mental, writes Ash in her diary, writing and sleeping are the only times Ash controls her body from the driver's seat. I wasn't the one that bought those tickets, I don't even want to travel yet! I want to go to uni with my best friends and start my career, but the money has been spent, so what choice do I have? 

She puts away her diary and locks the draw, gets changed for school and joins her family downstairs for breakfast. Something's different today, they're all acting strange, watching me like I could blow at any moment. Did they hear me sleep talking? Or  somehow read my journal? Surely they don't know anything. I mean I don't even know why I feel like this! 

"Everything okay mum?" Ash's other conscience asks, unphased by the fact that they may suspect something is not quite right. "Yeah of course sweetie, it's just that you graduate in two weeks and then you disappear into the world. Are you sure this is what you want?" They're worried, I'm worried. I can't even control the decisions we make anymore, where will we end up in another country. But if I try to explain how I'm feeling, they'll make me see a shrink and surely that is worse. To be labelled the crazy girl right before I become Valedictorian. No, I can't say anything to anyone. "Of course, mum, we've been over this. I'm gone for six months and will start uni in the second semester, I will call everyday and send post cards. You don't need to worry okay." Mum sighs and then smiles, dad still doesnt look too sure and Steven is off to uni with a piece of toast in his mouth. I finish my cereal and head upstairs to finish getting ready before driving to school.

The twins are being shifty, do they suspect something too? What's with everyone being suspicious today?  "Hey, what's going on with the two of  you?" They swallow their food and look between them. "Nothing, we're just not ready to lose you for six months while you travel the world and we're stuck here studying!" Sarah says, almost too quickly, but hey I'll buy into it. "Yeah, it's so not fair they you get to be valedictorian and then blast off to the UK to find some new best friends." I roll my eyes at Robbie as he says that. "As if I'd make new friends and forget about you losers" They buy it. I'm off the hook for now, but I'm in less control than the start of the year. Is flying halfway across the world really such a good idea??

Lunch ends and we're off to AP English with Mrs. Reid. I sit and read for the lesson as I am ahead of the class, as usual. The bell rings and I get up to leave. "Ash, can you wait a minute please?" Jeez what is with everyone today? Can they sense I'm slipping out of control? No, surely not, we never let it show on the outside. "What's up Mrs. Reid?" She gestures for me to sit. This can't be good. "Graduation is just a few weeks away, how's your speech coming along?" I let out the air I didn't know I was holding in. "It's nearly finished, I can email it over the weekend if you want to proofread it?" She scans my face for a moment before assuring me that it will be amazing and that she trusts my words. I get up to leave, she stands and opens her mouth, before waving her hand and telling me not to worry.

After dinner, my mind can't help but spiral. Everyone was asking questions today. Why is it getting worse? How can this get any worse? Why can't I be ordinary like everyone else! I have the most amazing friends and family and yet there's still something wrong with me. Maybe it's time to tell the twins, but how? I don't control my mouth, only my dreams and my writing. How do I make us show the twins my diary?