Old and New

Buzz Lightyear

On the bed was... a space ranger toy. He was in a big space suit with buttons all around him and a big helmet over his face. He came to life and started looking through his space helmet. Then he pressed the small red button on his chest. "Star Command? Come in, Star Command. Do you read me?"

        Then the space ranger gasped as he ran to his ship, which was his actual cardboard box he came in, and checked the damage, which was only a little rip one of the wings.

        "Damn!" he moaned. "This'll take weeks to repair." Then the ranger opened his wrist communicator on his arm. "Mission log. Stardate 2015. My ship has run off course from Sector 12. I crashed landed on a strange planet. I was dreaming of Halle Berry during hyper-sleep until the impact woke me up. The terrain seems unstable. I dare not move just in case of quick sands nor open my helmet in case there is no air. And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anyway."

        "Hello!" greeted Woody.

        The space ranger nearly jumped out of his space suit and fired his laser, which was a red light that blinked, at Woody's head.

        "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," said Woody. "My name is Woody and this is Andy's room. And his bed is my spot and I need this bed for humping chick toys, so is that all right with you?"

        The space toy saw Woody's badge and withdrew his laser. "Local reinforcement! About time you got here, Sherriff," said the space toy. "I'm Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger of the Universe Protection Unit. Sooner I repair my ship, the sooner I'll get off your spot. Do you people still have fossil fuels or have you people discovered renewable energy sources?"

        "Well, we do use cock rings," joked Woody.

        Then Buzz Lightyear turned around and pushed Woody down. He aimed his laser at the rest of Andy's toys. "Halt! Who goes there?"

        "Don't shoot! We're friends!" Rex said.

        "You know these weirdoes?" Buzz Lightyear asked Woody.

        "Yes, they're Andy's toys!" replied Woody.

        "Okay, everyone, you may come up," said Buzz Lightyear. "I am Buzz Lightyear. I come in peace. I bring you no harm."

        "Wow! I'm just glad you're no dinosaur," said Rex, shaking Buzz's hand.

        "Thank you all for your kind welcome," smiled Buzz.

        Soon, all the toys gathered around Buzz and telling him how new he looks and how awesome he looks and how Woody looks like a caveman compared to him.

        "So where are you from?" asked Hamm.

        "I'm from the Star Command Station," replied Buzz. "And my job is to protect the galaxy from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance!"

        "So, Mr. Lightyear, what does a space ranger actually do?" asked Rex.

        "Look, he's not a real space ranger!" snapped Woody, beginning to grow jealous. "He's just Andy's new toy."

        "I think the lizard man is right about me being a space ranger," protested Buzz.

        "Well, you're both wrong!" yelled Woody. "You don't fight evil or shoot lasers or fly!"

        "Well, I beg to differ!" Buzz pressed his big red button and out from his back shot some wings.

        All the toys were amazed and impressed, except Woody who just yawned. "Plastic wings, so what? That doesn't mean he can fly."