Old and New

The Green Army's Mission

Sarge led the Green Army to the upstairs banisters of the hallway. He got out a pair of binoculars and saw Andy, his mom and his friends near the door. “All right, it’s time for the presents,” said Mom. “Take your shoes off, go to the bathroom if you need it and then we’ll get right in the big room and open the presents.”

            The kids slowly took their shoes off. “Oh, come on!” snapped Sarge. “I’ve seen dyspraxia kids take their shoes off much quicker than you guys.”

            After about two minutes of waiting for them to take their shoes off, Sarge had to wait ten minutes for the kids – each turn – to go to the bathroom.

            “Finally!” sighed Sarge. Then he gave the arm down and two paratroopers jumped down from the railing and landed down stairs. They checked and listened for anyone coming, which didn’t seem to be happening, so one of them gave the other troops the all clear. A jump rope from upstairs to below was lowered down and Sarge and the troopers rappelled down.

            When they were about walk to their rendezvous point, they heard someone coming. “Freeze!” ordered Sarge.

            “Did someone say freeze?” asked the toy version of Frozone. “No problem!” He froze the entire Green Army and froze himself away. Then Mrs. Davis came in, carrying a tray of crisps. She stepped on one of the frozen troops.

            “Ow! I thought I told Andy to pick these up! And why are they frozen? I’m going to have a word with him later.” She kicked the Green Army away with her right foot and walked away.

           When the coast was clear, the Green Army broke free from the ice and came back to life. “Well, you’re not on vacation! Get to the rendezvous point! Move! Move!” ordered Sarge. Then he saw the soldier that Mrs. Davis had stood on.

            “No, go on without me!” he moaned. “Just go!”

            Then Sarge thought for a minute. He had a tough choice: The mission or the soldier. Then he remembered what his trainer, General Bullock, said to him: “A good soldier never leaves a man behind.”

            “A good soldier never leaves a man behind; a good soldier never leaves a man behind,” Sarge kept on repeating to himself. Then he ran to the wounded soldier and helped him up. Then he gave the signal to the men from upstairs to lower the baby monitor. Sarge helped the wounded man to the rendezvous point, which was a house plant. The soldiers carrying the baby monitor met up there as well.

Back in Andy’s room, Woody turned the other baby monitor on.

            “What’s taking them so long?” asked Rex.

            “Hey, these guys are the best!” protested Woody. “I wouldn’t send them if they weren’t.”

            “I think they’re just a bunch of useless, wasteful, plastic green – ” Potato Head began, before sound came out of the monitor.

            “I heard that, you stupid, fat spud!” shouted Sarge. “Anyway, Andy is opening his first present.”           

            “Quiet, everyone!” ordered Woody.

            “It’s a big one. It’s, uh, an electric toothbrush! We got a toothbrush!” reported Sarge.

            “A toothbrush,” laughed the toys.

            “Okay, the next thing is a blanket version of Elton John, given by Andy’s gay friend,” reported Sarge.

            “We have six year old gays?” asked Potato Head.

            “Gay people are born gay, Potato Head!” said Slinky. “And I think it’s great that this guy is not too shy to be himself.”

            But all Potato Head did was just take his lips off and kissed his ass with them. Mr. Spell laughed at it.       

            After more presents, including a Millennium Falcon toy, a Lord of the Rings card game, a Dating for Dummies book and a box set of the complete Baywatch, Sarge finally reported the last present, which was a Lost DVD Interactive Board Game. The toys were happy and relieved.

            “What did I tell you? Nothing to worry about,” smiled a proud-of-himself Woody.

            “Come in, Sexy Cowboy, Mom has brought out a surprise present from under the stairs,” reported Sarge from the monitor.

            “What did the Sarge tell you?” Potato Head chuckled.

            “I can’t quite make it out... it’s a...” But then the monitor went silent. The toys were getting anxious.

            “It’s a what? What the hell is it?!” yelled Rex, as he grabbed the leg of the nightstand and rocked it. Unfortunately, the monitor fell on the ground and the batteries fell out.

            “Oh, you bone idiot!” shouted Potato Head.

            “Way to go, Mr. Dino Bean!” yelled Hamm.

            “Mr. Thick-as-your-plastic dinosaur!” snapped Slinky.

            “Mr. Brainless Triceratops!” Bo Peep joined in.

            “Shut up!” ordered Woody. “Shut up and put the damn batteries in!”

            So Potato Head and Hamm tried to put the batteries back in, but they couldn’t seem to put them in.

            “Oh, let me!” Woody sighed as he jumped off the bed and put the batteries back in himself. He did it just in time to hear Sarge. “Didn’t you guys hear me? Maintain your positions now!”

            “Oh, my God!” cried Woody. “Andy’s coming, everyone! Get back to your positions now!”

            So everyone quickly ran to their positions and froze just in time. They saw Andy and his friends running around the room. They saw Andy putting something on his bed. Then the boys left the room to go to play games downstairs.

            Then the toys came alive and walked to the bed. No one could see what the thing was on the bed.

            “Woody, who’s up there with you?” asked Rex.

            Then who should come out under the bed but Woody!

            “Woody, what are you doing under the bed?” asked Slinky.

            “Raping a Diana Doll or a Tessie Bear or every female toy fromToyland,” laughed Woody. “Sorry, Enid Blyton writes such good books. Anyway, Andy knocked me over the bed and put someone in my sport. It was just a mistake.”

            “Have you been replaced?” asked Rex.

            “Yes, I’m going to sit here and let some new bastard take my spot. No! I told you earlier that no one is getting replaced!” shouted Woody. “Now, come on, let’s all be cool and groovy and give whatever it is up there a nice, big, gorgeous, sexy Andy’s room welcome.”

            Woody started to climb the bed and stopped half-way to see what was on the bed.