The Disastrous Love Lives of the Delaney Family

3.9 William Klein

"Is that all you've figured out?" I nod at Dad's question. "So you're none the wiser about why your answer has upset her."

"No, but I'm not a mind reader, Dad. I can't control how she hears an answer once it has been offered." Dad starts to walk away at the sound of my argument. Not wanting him to leave, I follow him back down to the living room. "No, wait, Dad. My statement is correct. I cannot control her perception of my comment. But I have upset her. Now I need to fix it."

Dad abruptly stops in the hallway, just outside the family room door. Mum is inside and she's pretending not to listen, but her book is upside down. "Joss-" back to the nickname, I note. "-Why do you need to fix it? No, a better question. Why does it bother you so much that you feel the need to apologise?"

"Because I upset her."

"Son, with the greatest of respect, until you understand that a bit better, I suggest you don't talk to Bronwen. My honest opinion is that you'll likely make it worse." He then starts to walk away, heading for the stairs that lead to the kitchen. "And before you say anything, Joss, yes. Yes, even if it takes days, weeks, or months. Years, even. It's better to know where your head is, and better yet, where your heart is before you speak with her. Trust me, there's nothing worse than trying to express something you don't understand."

I bite my tongue and stop myself from stating the obvious, that my head is fixed to my body above the shoulders and neck, and quickly follow dad to the kitchen. Today is one of the rare days where he has 'switched off' his 'work brain' and is focusing on being 'a good husband' by cooking a romantic dinner for my mother. None of this makes any sense to me because you can't switch off your brain, and there is no such thing as a work brain, for that matter, and why does cooking dinner make you a good husband? I'm sure other actions show you to be a better husband, such as showing respect and loyalty to your partner. And not upsetting them. 

Dad moves swiftly around the kitchen, gathering ingredients and pots and pans while muttering to himself. At one point, he starts to dictate the recipe and method for this dish without the need for the recipe book. This worries me; things are written down for the sole purpose of guiding you and without following the recipe, as written down and evidenced before you, whatever the result of Dad's attempts at cooking will be... possibly disastrous. 

"Should I get a dating guide?" 

"What?"

I shrug my shoulders. "When you cook, you follow a recipe. That's written down in a book. Why can't I get a book about dating that outlines, step by step, everything I need to do?"

"Because, Joss, even though it's written down, you don't have to follow it to the letter." When Dad notices my blank stare, he puts down the bag of potatoes and turns to me. "In a recipe for Chilli con Carne, it says to add two teaspoons of chilli powder. But we all know that Sera and Owen like spicy food, so two teaspoons of chilli powder won't be enough. I have to adapt the recipe so that I either add four teaspoons of regular chilli powder or I add two teaspoons of hot chilli powder. It's the same for relationships and love and sex. Just because it works for one, doesn't mean that's how it works for everyone."

I ponder this as Dad continues to move in the kitchen, peeling vegetables and setting the temperature of the oven. I find all this social etiquette stuff hard to understand and if dating rules can be adapted then why bother to write them down in the first place? Dad was right when he said that there isn't a right or wrong way of being in love. So if that is correct, does that mean all the books I've read on dating and love are bullshit? To that end, are all books that try to give advice and guidance bullshit? 

The highway code, for example, could be a set of guidelines, rather than laws. Damn, where was this argument all those years ago when I was taking my driving test? I would have passed if I could argue the logic that there are no such things as laws, they're guidelines which I can either follow or choose not to.