Seaside Fate

Conflicted

*4 years later*

I sit out on my front porch in the late morning strumming my ukulele to Blackbird as i sing it. I lie on the hammock i made for the front yard. The sun is shining bright but not too bright to where it's almost unbearable to be outside. Living in Arizona is hard. It's boring and plain. The only reason i'm here is so I can get enough money to move. I'm almost there. Sadly, i still live with my parents. All those bad feelings go away when i'm alone though. I just sing softly to myself and imagine i'm elsewhere. My paradise was interrupted when my mom came outside.

"Lucille, what are you doing?" She asked sternly with her hands on her hips.

I open my eyes and escape my paradise. I sit myself up and drape my legs over the edge of the hammock. "Resting."

"Don't you have work soon?" she asked sternly again.

"Yea, in 2 hours." I like back down and grab my ukulele.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready?" She looks me up and down at my outfit.

I was just wearing a white flowy dress. I didn't see what was wrong with it.

"I am ready. I just need shoes." I said kicking my feet in the air amiring the seashell anklet i bought in California 4 years ago.

"Lucille you need to stop showing up to work dressed like that. The hospital will not take you seriously!" She scolded.

I hoped off the hammock. "Mom, i am a receptionist there. It doesn't matter how I dress." I started to walk inside and she followed me.

"That doesn't mean you can't dress nice." She scolded

"This isn't nice?" I ask. "Mom this was made with organic materials. If anything it's nice to the enviroment."

"Honey that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that you need to be more professional." She said patronizingly.

"What's the problem here?" My dad came in and asked.

"Honey please tell your daughter she can't wear that to work." My mom begged.

"Why? What's wrong with it?" He asked.

"See!" i wined. That was probably uncalled for.

"You need to be more professional! You are 20 years old and you need to start acting like it!"

"Whatever, we'll talk about this later. Bye." I say as I head out the door and on my way to work.

I have this hard relationship with my family. My mom wants me to be a nurse and go to nursing school. She pushes me too far to do what she couldn't. That's not what I want. The thing is, I don't know what I want. I'm still searching for myself out there and I ant deal with this pressure. When i get enough money, i'm moving away, as far as I can. My dad is in favor of me finding myself. He's the real reason why i was able to stay home all this time. My dad understands that I need time. My brother is off in the Marines and my sister did what my mom wanted and went off to nursing school. I refuse to give in.

I arrive at work and I kind of sulk the entire time. I had to rethink my life. Am I doing what's necessary? Am I even happy? No i'm not happy. Where was I happiest last? I thought about my last family trip to California. I really was happy there. I never felt so much at peace than when I was there. I really knew who I was while being there. I felt free and energetic and peaceful. Later in my shift i finally spoke with my coworker.

"Diane, is this what you always wanted to do?" I asked her.

"Well it's close enough" She sad filling out some paperwork for a patient. "Here you go." she handed the packet to the patient.