Creating RK800

Chapter 5*

He glanced up and saw me watching him. "I know you have to get back to work, but you need to eat something, so I'm not going to let you leave until you do," he said definitively.

"It's fine. I don't plan on going back today."

"Oh. So I don't have to use the you're-too-hungover speech?"

I shook my head and went to sit down at the bar pressing my head to the cool marble. It soothed my migraine a little. Hyram passed me a glass of water and dropped 2 aspirins in it. I watched it fizzle for a while and drank it down when it stopped. I sat up and watched Hyram continue cooking.

"Hyram."

"The burgers are almost ready I promise. I just hope they taste good," he laughed.

"You're a great cook, and your food tastes better than mine." I paused for while trying to think of how to explain to what happened last night and yesterday in general.

"Thanks, but there's room for improvement. I've been watching a lot of cooking shows lately, and I-"

"Hyram," I said with a little more urgency.

"What is it babe?" he turned to face me with a worried look on his face.

"I need to tell you something about me. I understand if you don't want to be with me after this, but I really need you to listen. It's not easy for me to talk about." He nodded in slight confusion, and I continued. It was better if I just came out and said it, so I did. "I can't have children."

A number of feelings crossed his face as he remained quiet. I let the information sit with him for a while before he spoke up. "Is this something Cyberlife did to you? Is that why you came home drunk last night? Are they sterilizing everyone that works for them? What the-"

I decided not to let him resume that thought. "No! It wasn't Cyberlife. This happened before I even started working there."

"What happened?"

I looked down at the counter. I hoped that focusing on an inanimate object would help me get the words out, but they still choked me as I tried to speak them. "You know how I lived in foster homes as a kid, and some were more. . ." I failed to finish the sentence, but Hyram seemed to be piecing the dots together as I heard sniffling.

"Why are you just now telling me?" His voice cracked, and I heard him slam something down.

I couldn't look at him. If he didn't find out now he would certainly find out when years down the road I still haven't given him a child. Everything was quiet, and the air filled with tension. I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't say more.

"Please, I just need to understand why you're telling me this now."

"I repaired an AX400 yesterday. It was a deviant. It wanted to be a mother, something I can't be and something I can't give you. It brought back so many horrible things that I wanted to forget, so I got drunk." I shrugged keeping my eyes on the table tears burning my eyes as I tried to hold them back and remain emotionless. I needed to build my walls again to soften the blow of the inevitable.

Hyram said nothing in response, but continued making the burgers. After a moment or so he slid one in front of me and walked away to sit on the couch with his head in his hands.

I stared at the burger. I didn't really have the strength to eat right now, so I stood and went back to the bedroom. The angry and hurt little girl was clawing to get out. She wanted to tell Hyram to just leave, to be like everyone else in her life. I went to the bathroom and started the tub. I put a few bath bombs in turning the water into a milky white color. I stepped in and sat down hugging my knees to my chest.

At least now, I didn't have to feel guilty about focusing all my energy on work. I could build my walls again, and simply never let anyone back in again. I can do what I want when I wanted. I could disappear again.

I looked at my reflection in the water, and all I saw was girl fighting for her right to live. When bouncing from home to home, I faced numerous tragedies and hardships. My first home wasn't so bad compared to the others, at least I got fed, but he killed her high on red ice on night. The next family beat me, starved me, and down right tortured me. I was happy on the days that CPS was coming, I got new clothes, fed well, and treated like a princess, but I was taken from them because they couldn't hide the abuse that they had done to me.

The last and final family were the worst of them all. Not only did they do all of the same things that the previous families did, but they hid me in a soundproof room and allowed different men to rape me, beat me, treat me like a piece of meat. I was ten years old at the time. I had gotten pregnant by one of them, and my so-called guardians had every intention of making me carry it to term. One night things went horribly wrong. I woke up in the worst pain I had ever felt. I screamed for hours that night until shock finally took over. I woke up covered in blood, running a fever, and could barely hold consciousness. Those demons shoved every medicine they could get their hands on down my throat, in order to keep me out of the hospital. I got to the point I was somewhat functional, so they sent me to school, but what they didn't know was that everything was far from fine, and that the school would have to call an ambulance to resuscitate me and keep me from having a seizure. In the hospital I found out that I had a miscarriage that caused sepsis in my uterus. The tissue damage was too sever to save it, resulting in my sterilization. However, that's finally when I was free from foster homes. A CPS worker, Mrs. Singer, got me into a decent orphanage, that took better care of me than any "family" possibly could. Mrs. Singer invested her personal time in me helping me study, get through therapy, and made me who I am today. Sadly she died of cancer before being able to see me out of the orphanage.

If she saw me today, would she be proud or disappointed? I wished I could see her now. She was the only person I could consider a mother. What would she have me do? I laid back in the tub, letting my body sink under the water. Part of me wanted to take a deep breath in and let water fill my lungs, but I fought too hard to end it now. I wanted to be happy, honestly. However, I kept getting in my own way. I thought that if Hyram didn't know that we could still be happy together, but I realize that was just a foolish dream. Of course, he would want a child eventually. He would find out that something was wrong with me. Maybe I'm just not meant to have someone by my side.

I sat up and just breathed. I felt empty. Nothing could fill the void that I had now. I got up and drained the water emptying the bath. I dried off and went to get dressed. It was dark outside now. I didn't realize how many hours had past, but I guess I should go back to Cyberlife now. I sat at my vanity looking at my swollen, red eyes. That's when I noticed a small, tattered, blue box sitting on the top shelf of my closet. I got up and took it in my hands. I brushed off the dust, lifted the lid, and saw pictures from my time at the orphanage.

The first picture was Mrs. Singer and I on Christmas. I smiled at the memory. She brushed my hair into pigtails and gave me bright red Christmas sweater with reindeer on it. I was happy then. The next picture was me winning first prize in a robotics competition with the ribbon taped to the picture. I had kept every picture, news clipping, and prizes from each of my accomplishments. At the bottom was a bundle of paper folded neatly. I curiously unfolded them, and read the words that I had written to my future self:

Dear Silva,

We are making time capsules today. I don't really know what to write. They want us to write about happy things, but Mrs. Singer died yesterday. I can't focus on anything happy. She was the only one that cared for us. Is this what if feel like to mourn? I don't like this feeling. I'm sure we will probably feel more of this in the future, but I have one request of you: Don't stop working hard! I did too much to get you where you are today. If you give up, then everything we went through was pointless, and we'll just be another statistic in the news. I don't want that. I want people to know our name and smile when they say it. Don't give up. I'm your biggest cheerleader. I know we have our dark places, but I went through the darkness so you can stay in the light.

Thirteen year old Silva,

PS. Kick ass!

I cried. I had forgotten that I had written this letter. It filled my heart with warmth. I tucked it away in my jacket pocket put the box back on the shelf. She was right. If anyone was cheering for me, it was me. If I lost Hyram, it would hurt like hell, but it wasn't an excuse to go back into my dark cave. Nothing was. As my thirteen year old self said, it was my time to stay in the light.