empty spaces ~ armin x reader

chapter seven // forget what i said

"What do you think is going to happen once it's over?" I whispered.

We stared at each other, knowing that her future was predetermined before the pregnancy.

"Then the real shit show begins," Jean whispered back, and I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"It's already a shit show," Connie laughed, and I stiffened. "Let's just try to enjoy our lives while we're still around."

The simplicity of the statement made me relax. I smiled up at my friends as three beers were planted in front of us. I counted them then turned to the bartender to thank him, but it was not the man I ordered from.

"They dropped these off at my table. I assume they belong to you guys."

The man who had been slumped over in the corner was standing before us with our drinks. I didn't recognize him at the time, but now I saw that his appearance was strikingly familiar.

"Armin Arlert, what the fuck are you doing here?" Jean questioned with an open grin.

My spine straightened almost painfully as my brain processed the situation. I felt the rush you get from standing up too quickly. He seemed to be processing the situation as well, but with a much slower response. I could tell from the stickiness of his skin and the slowness of his movements that he was well into his drinking before we had arrived. It was something I never thought I would see.

"I- uh," he began, his eyes as wide as saucers immediately locking on mine. Everybody stilled for a minute as Armin composed his shock into a sloppy smile. "I was just getting a drink, I didn't think you guys would be here."

I had no idea what he meant by that. His cheeks were flushed bright red and his short blond hair was sticking out in various poses. His smile crippled my lungs and I took in shallow breaths. Then I finally figured out how his presence made me feel. It was a simple feeling, but I felt it take over me as it never had before.

I was bitterly missing him with every fiber of my being.

I broke eye contact to sip my drink. Connie made room in his booth so Armin could join our party.

"So," I began, shoving down any vulnerability, "what have you been up to these past few weeks, Armin?"

The seconds during his hesitation caused me to second guess myself. Was I too straightforward? Why did I need to know? Is there a reason he had avoided me?

"I was a running mediator between Eren and the people who want him dead for his actions," he replied as his sleepy, drunken eyes fell towards the table.

I let Connie and Jean lead the conversation from there. That was all I truly needed to know. I wanted to ask more. I wanted to tear into him and demand answers, but I knew his spirit had run itself dry and he could no longer carry any more weight. He was threads away from snapping under the burden of it all. He had worn himself down to the very frame of his being, and that told me more than any of the questions I wanted to ask. I let the very sight of him be the peace I've needed these past weeks.

Connie and Jean carried on the lightness of the night. I kept myself shut off as the beer in my hand emptied itself. Armin did the same thing across from me, and we didn't make direct eye contact again. Finally, on my fourth drink, did my tongue loosen itself.

"I'm thinking about quitting," I admitted aloud.

"Oh?" Connie cocked his head. "Why?"

I sighed and tilted the beer towards my mouth as I said, "I need an adventure."

"HELL YEAH!" Jean consented, his words bolstered by the three drinks he's had.

I smiled and watched the moon through the foggy window. It was well into the night at that point and its brightness showed clearly. I wondered how late it was. I needed to be home soon because of the responsibilities I had to take care of in the morning. Everyone else seemed to think about that too as we all grew quiet.

"It's been so great seeing you guys, but I seriously need to get some sleep," Connie said, voicing my thoughts. I nodded and so did Jean.

"Let's do this again soon," Jean affirmed.

"Thank you," Armin said to no one in particular.

Every single one of us was wasted on alcohol, but Armin was the worst. I doubt he'd remember this in the morning. My natural restlessness over him had me gripping his shoulder as we walked out the door together. Connie and Jean were making their way home, so it was just Armin and I standing alone in a quiet alley. He finally acknowledged me again and wordlessly pulled me towards him.

"Let me walk you home," I stated, surprised by his sudden embrace.

"You're so strong, and I've always been envious of that," he spoke suddenly, "You're the only one who understands what it's like to be so alone in a world where you're one of a kind. I'm still the least special person you will ever meet, but you saw through that." His voice broke and I could tell he was crying.

"You can talk to me about it," I said, not moving from his shockingly tight grip.

"He's my best friend. I hate to see him rot away like this when we had so much hope for our futures together. I didn't have a plan beyond seeing the ocean, but I knew that it involved him and you. That is if you ever come back..."

The last sentence sobered me. Was he talking about me?

"I'm so tired of living in this world without you." His tears soaked into my skin. I held him closer to me.

"I won't leave again," I promised. I loved him. I loved him with a force that could shred the stars. I wouldn't let him fade away from existence. I would hold him until the world burned into ashes around us.

He pulled back and looked at me, but his eyes were unfocused.

"I would do anything to break you out of that crystal. They don't understand the world the way we do, and now I need your strength more than ever." His face collapsed into sobs. "You're the only one I can talk to and you're not even here."

My heart hit the pavement.

I realized in that second that he wasn't talking to me. He was looking at someone else, touching someone else. The girl he loved was beyond him, but I was right here.

I was right here.