My life with 'Evil Incarnate'

It is all about me.

I was a weird child. I am a weird 'New adult'. 

Adventure called to me, I would do anything for it. life has no meaning without experiences and I believe that travelling and meeting new people is the best life lived. 

But I could not do that, as all the other teens I knw I went to collage stressed out over my future, my personality, contemplated suicide multiple time but, didn't take the step cause hope wasn't completely gone I guess.  

I longed for something, something that would fit perfectly in this big whole in me. 

I didn't understand why, or at least was ashamed of myself because I thought I had no right to be unhappy or unsatisfied.

I had wonderful parents who taught me to live a life of science, reason and logic. They loved me and told me so, I did not have any obvious issues at home to cause me any distress. We were not poor, in fact, you could go so far as to say we were part of the upper middle class of the country.

 I had a bestfriend since the first grade and, although not the most popular, I was good company for most, or at least I tried to be.

I was not a stupid child, I had a good head on my shoulders and a few other capabilities. I was a strong girl, stronger than most at least. 

Yet I was unhappy, I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I wasn't sure if i was really unhappy or if I was faking it. 

All I knew was I'd do anything to get out of here. To stop living in this state of suspension where I have neither completely failed nor have I reached the happiness I craved.  

At one point it became too much, I was too alone and too suffocated and too trapped to continue. So I did it. I did it as a joke, I didn't believe in it. I thought it would be a temporary distraction, another lie I tell myself. 

And so, I made a Deal with the Devil.