TEN SECONDS , The Kenny Ackerman Story BOOK ONE~ ORIGINS ,by Melly O'Hara

LOSS

He kept me supplied with whiskey, but now it only kept the edge off the gapin' hole left by Kuchel, an' kept the fear enough at bay so's my hands didn' shake when I lifted my glass. I knew I'd have ta leave, go ta Mitras - do somethin', but I couldn'. What if she changed her mind an' I wasn' here - again. Maybe, if'n I were still here, I'd jus' sees her in the street, whiles l were out runnin' my boys an' her eyes'd meet mine an' there'd be no more anger in 'em. Maybe, maybe....

So's I stayed. I didn' want ta. But it were like I were powerless ta leave. Bob were quiet an' jus' kept the whiskey flowin', leavin' me be, keepin', the hanger – on-ers away an' lettin' me have some peace. 'Til one night , 'bout three months on, since my run-in with Kuchel, he came an' sat at my table after the bar was closed, pourin' both o' us a whiskey from a fresh bottle he'd brought over with him.

"Not in the mood for conversation.... Bob", I mumbled sourly.

"Yeah, I know Kenny, but this is important", he began.

"I don' give a shit!" I slurred.

"You will ,Kenny.....It's about Kuchel", he announced.

I grabbed Silver Lady an' jumped up, stumblin' over my feet, knockin' over the table, an' growled, "What 'bout her? She been hurt by somethin' or SOME ONE? I'll slit that Levi's thoat!"

"You can't", Bob answered drily. " Levi's dead".

"Wwwww..what?!" I stammered, drunkingly ; slumpin' inta my chair.

"Mine collapse, a couple of months ago – just like his Pa," said Bob.

"Then why the fuck didn' ya tell me a couple o' months ago, ya slimey shit-bag?!" I asked politely.

Ignorin' me he continued," One of my customers, not a regular, but he comes in here every once in a while, only told me tonight. Seems he works shipping the coal to the surface and he'd only just started work again because the mine had just re-opened, after the collpse. I double checked, and yeah, the collapse did happen in one of the older shafts in the Old Grand mine. And yes it was definitely Levi, along with eight other new blokes that had been crushed in the cave in. It took them two months to dig them out and reinforce the walls, but they got them and they were all identified."

"Son-of–a- bitch got what he deserved then", I grunted, hope creepin' inta my mind. "Now she'll come back ta her senses, come back ta where she belongs."

But if that were true, then why hadn' she come back already? Surely she knew that I were still here – Hell! Everyone knew when Kenny the Ripper were at home! So's she must know. An' she'd know that I were still in our same rooms at Bob's... So why hadn' she come? Were she still too angry? Did she think that I were angry at her, an' she were afraid?

"I gotta go find her!" I mumbled incoherently, drunkenly pushin' myself away from the table that Bob had righted, steppin' on the whiskey bottles that had smashed when I'd pushed over the table earlier.

"She's.... gone", Bob finished softly.

"Then I definitely gotta go!" I yelled pushin' past him. " I gotta go find her!"

"No!" Bob said grabbin' my shoulders an' pushin' me back inta my chair. "You don't understand, Kenny. When Levi died....."

"Well, it mus' run in the family" he muttered. " When he died", Bob continued, clearer now. " Well she, Kuchel, just went to pieces and started drinking. My customer says that word on the street was that, that snake of a 'land-lord' of hers threatened to put her out on the streets, now 'Lover-Boy' was no longer paying the rent and she was spending what she did have on booze. And......well......um......well, Kuchel, she's a fine looking girl......", he tapered off.

My blood ran cold as I waited for him to finish.

"And....... and....Kuchel, if she'd been in her right mind; she NEVER would have done it! You know Kuchel, she's a good girl", continued Bob. "But, she was sad and lonely and some guy pretends to be her friend, buys her drinks and tells her he'll make it all better. And she wakes up the next morning; hung over, with money on the bedside table, that she just went and spent on more booze....... She's not a bad girl, Kenny", finished Bob.

It felt like a bucket o' ice water had been dumped over me. Suddenly I were stone-cold sober an' aware o' the brick that lay in the pit o' my stomach. Bile filled my throat, an' without warnin' I'd vomited all over the table.

" Awww, Kenny. Come on, it's okay", Bob soothed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders an' helped me to my feet. "Come on, up we go. Let's get you upstairs, all cleaned up, and put you to bed. "

Docile as a child, I let him guide me up the stairs an' sittin' on my bed I could hear him runnin' a bath. There was no thoughts, no words, jus' numbness.

I let Bob take me to the bathroom an' leave me with a clean towel. I stayed in the bath long after it'd gone cold, when finally, shiverin' drove me ta dress an' go ta bed.

But sleep eluded me. I jus' sat there. Not even drinkin'. Jus' sittin'.

When dawn came, I knew I'd have ta find her, but I waited long inta the mornin', puttin' it off. What if I found her turnin' tricks on the street? Or busted in a hotel room door an' found her goin' at it with some john?

Anger rose within me , an' began ta mix with the void created by the pain. It swirled like a mist, risin' inside a me. Oh God, I'd kill them all. Maybe, in my fury, even Kuchel. Not that I could blame her..... But, after everythin', after everythin' I'd done..

After everythin' I'd become..

For HER!

She was a whore?

I'd done so much ta try an' keep her clean, ta try an' make her life bedda 'an mine. Ta protect her from what I did.

Ta give her a future..

Shit, even findin' that ol' man were for her in a way. Hell, this were her heritage too. This coulda been the key for us getting' outta here.

An' she left.

Since she were born, I'd always taken care o' her – always!

An' she left.

She left with him.

Cause she loved him.

.... Not me.

Me, she despised.

It'd all been for nothing".