TEN SECONDS , The Kenny Ackerman Story BOOK ONE~ ORIGINS ,by Melly O'Hara

AFTERMATH

Breakin' away from the embrace that threatened ta crumble all ma remainin' defences, l leaned back against the rise of the stone turret and smoothed ma black hair back under ma cowboy hat. Lightin' a cigarette; the blue smoke curled its freedom inta the velvet  o' the night. The rhythmic inhalin' an' exhalin' o' the tobacco exhertin' it's calm; buyin' me time, buyin' me denial. Aware o' her hand still gently restin' on ma thigh, l wondered why she cared. I knew why I sought her out, why she held a place in ma heart. But her, why did she stay? What did she get outta this? I knew that she had her fair share o' suitors. They was like bees at a honey pot, with that golden hair an' a nature that knew nohin' but brave kindness. So's why did she stay? With me, jus' a poor man's a gunslinger- complete with the long black coat, cowboy boots and cowboy hat. A pretender. A fake. Had ma whole life had been a show? Were  it true that ma emotions, so closely held in check, were a façade, just like ma clothes? l knew the answer. Knew the truth. An' despite everythin' in me resistin'; screamin' fo' me ta stop, I cleared my throat an' went on.

"I were good, Jasper. Honour that's what its called -right?!" l laughed at the idea o' me an' honour bein' mentioned in the same sentence.

Extinguishin' the last o' ma smoke with the heel o' ma boot, l turned ta her; ma eyes serious. This. This were the only good thing I'd done in ma whole shitty life.

I continued,"l swear l never , never once, let him know that he were kin." 

Pride dissolved inta truth. A pattern repeated. A life that failed. A pale justification that sounded hollow as l spoke the words out loud.

"There weren't no ways that I were gonna mess up his head, not when l knew I'd have ta leave him......Leave him , like l left Kuchel", l paused; bitterness risin' up inside a me.

The ol' familiar blame fo' everyone. But ma self. Ma mind raced at find an escape. An' found it. No. This time I weren'  makin' the same mistake twice. This time l did right. The relief at doin' fo' him what l shoulda done fo' Kuchel kept me goin'. Kept me strong. 

" l taught him how ta survive in the Underground", l finished.

Sure that Jas'd see I'd done right. Cause...

"Maybe if'n I'd a taught Kuchel......Maybe she'd....." Her green eyes met mine as she saw, saw completely.
"She were so's soft, Jasper. The Underground... It jus' took.... uhhh...I shoulda been there, but l ... err, uhhh..l wanted....." l coughed as l tried ta explain. "I wanted so much...."

Resolve steeled an' the lump in ma throat dissolved.Removin' my hat, l leaned inta the wind, allowin' ma self ta be cleansed by the freshness as I ran my hand across my brow; wipin' away the emotions along with the sweat as l regained ma composure.

"I failed an' it killed her.
Not again."

"You have family in the Underground , Kenny?" she asked softly, tryin' at keep the shock outta her voice. Tryin' ta remember ta be comfortin' as she tenderly stroked ma hand whilst she held it in her lap. "Oh my God of the Walls, I'm so sorry", she breathed.

"Ya have NO idea what sorry is", l laughed sarcastically.

"The Underground is the only safe place for the Ackermans. 'Bove ground we is attacked, carn' buy no food, ostracized; like we was vermon.....I 'member bein' really little an' havin' our land jus' taken by our neighbours 'cause that were the law. I 'member my Ma cryin' 'cause no-one would sell her food, an' my Pa not bein' able to get a decent job. None o' the townspeople would even deign ta speak ta us. An' o' course we  wasn' allowed ta go ta school. So's ventually bullyin' an' hunger jus' drove us down inta the Underground. Along with the rest o' Paradise's poor. At least there we was all vermon together!" I snorted sarcastically, disdain for all o' Paradise reverberatin' through ma body.
Disdain fo' all o' 'em. All o' society. All o' 'em that had somehow been complicit in the treatment o' me an' mine. Even if'n 'twere just by ignorance.
Rousin' ma self from ma thoughts, I continued on.