TEN SECONDS , The Kenny Ackerman Story BOOK ONE~ ORIGINS ,by Melly O'Hara

AFTERMATH

"Five years to be exact", l corrected her; confident now that l were feelin' the control returnin'.

"You've never said anything when you return, but you're always different some-how; on edge, angry, determined.  A little more aloof, if that's even possible. Except for this time. I've never seen you so sad. Well, that's not quite true, you're always sad – even though you try to hide it, but l know," she smiled, gently stroking ma cheek.

"You jus' damn near see through me, dontcha? You little Owl!" I smirked, sure that I had this. This weren' no big deal - 'twere a story, that's all. Nothin' ta be blubberin' 'bout.

"I think l do", she replied softly. "I know that you're not who you would like everyone to believe you are. I know that there's more to you than you'd like everyone to believe. No-one tries that hard to be so tough without experiencing a loss that made them determined to never feel that kind of pain again. And where-ever you've been, it's brought that pain back to you, and I'm sorry Kenny."

'Twere like I'd been punched in the gut. That were what the truth felt like. Swallowin' hard, l steeled ma self against the pain, willin' ma voice ta stop it's shakin' as I spoke the the first words of truth I'd uttered in near on twenty years.

"I left him Jas....I...uhh...l..jus' left him", l whispered, not meeting her eyes. An' then in a kind o' garbled desperation l grabbed both her hands in mine ; as if beseechin' her. Pleadin' for understandin'. "But I had ta. Dontcha see that stayin' woulda jus' gotten him or me killed? He can't come here, not with the world the way it is. He'd be comin' up ta nothin'. Ya see dontcha? He wouldn' stand a chance. Not 'til King Uri's made it betta, 'til the world stops hatin' the Ackermans. An' 'till I'm more than jus' the King's hired gun. Oh, l know Uri says I'm his body guard, but it's the same crap, different name. An' me , I'm jus' no good for anyone with my head all mixed-up, full o' shit l don' understand. That's why l took this job. I thought with Uri l can finally be something. I'd be whole. Then I'll be someone HE can be proud o'. An' not jus' 'cause l can beat anyone inta the groun'," l paused, shakin'.

Calmly, as if handlin' a wounded animal, she stroked the hair that fell at the nape of ma neck; silent, breathin' softly and waited. Searchin' her face, like a sinner seeking redemption, l willed her ta know what I needed. Understandin' absolution, forgiveness. Without the words. Without me havin' ta say it. Please God no more words. Don' make me say it. I don' want ta confess. Because HE were the final nail in this suffocatin' coffin o' a life.
An' this...This were the moment where l decided to continue as 'fore an' finally say goodbye to any chance o' havin' some kinda normal life. Or l take a chance on faith.
The chance won.

"When's it time, Jas? When's enough e-fucken-nough ?"

The anguish an' hate rose up at a fate that had made me who l were an' a world that used ma strength fo' its own power. Used me like a tool. When were it ma turn? The Ackerman's turn? His turn?  It weren' fucken right! Damn them all! He...so like her...so damn trustin'....he...he...

"He loved...."

It hung in the air, unspoken, but no less true. His big grey eyes; proud as he looked fo' ma approval. Proud that he'd learned ma lessons. Proud that he were like me.

A vacuum o' hurt an' confusion as l walked away.

The lump in ma throat spread itself through ma body 'til it became a sharp stabbin' ache in ma chest; engulfin' me. Sweet salty tears burned behind ma eyes as pain searched fo' its release. Instinct tol' me ta kill, ta maim, ta hurt. Lash out. But there were nobody there ta attack. Jus' this searin' agony.  As if'n sensin' the unspoken, she pulled me close. 'Twere as if'n she were willin' her body ta absorb the anguish an' replace it with peace. But I were like a river that jepodised its dam. The irony.