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A couple of weeks into July and the four of us all have our routines with the beach house at the center of it all. It reminds me of all those summers growing up except it's different. Steven and Miranda are often away, lounging in the luxury of pre-marital bliss before the wedding.
Tonight is no different. It's Rosie and I crafting ahead with the wedding decorations because Steven and Miranda are having dinner in New York City with her parents. They aren't on board with their daughter getting married before getting her master's degree and think Steven is a distraction. The engaged couple is hoping this dinner will smooth things over.
I'm hoping for the best for Steven and Miranda but in the meantime, I can't help but be nervous about being left alone with Rosie despite spending the last two weeks alone with her. I find her incredibly easy to be around and it's nice not parading myself around for once. I think I've made a friend and I made sure to note that in my notebook so that Dr. Whittaker doesn't think I'm isolating myself from people.
Currently, Rosie is set up in front of the television with some old Bugs Bunny cartoons on VHS to watch. She's currently wrapping a mason jar into lace fabric and tying it off at the neck with a brown rope. I watch as she meticulously ties a perfect ribbon and sets the candle holder to the side. We need about twenty more because Miranda wants them around the altar as well as on the buffet table.
I'm busy in the kitchen, making us food as we've been slaving away to the wedding decorations for almost three hours now. Supper is nothing fancy, just some buttered noodles and fish sticks with a side of barbecue potato chips. I serve it on a paper plate and head into the living room with ketchup balanced underneath my arm.
When Rosie sees the delicacy I'm serving tonight, her face lights up and she chuckles. "Aww Jere, you shouldn't have."
"What can I say? I was born to cook." I feel proud to have impressed her even if she's just kidding. I settle down on the couch. I offer her the ketchup but she shakes her head and stands up.
"Is there any lemon juice? I like citrus with my fish." She says and walks over to the kitchen, coming back with a bright yellow bottle.
"Well look at Miss Fancy-Pants putting citrus on her fish sticks." I poke fun at her because I enjoy making her face light up. My comment sparks something behind her emerald eyes because when she looks at me, I feel an electric shock. It's brief but it's there.
It jumpstarts my heart like a car. I'm suddenly too shy to say anything else and we sit in silence but it's not awkward. It's just right. And when we're done eating, Rosie takes care of the dishes without saying anything. There isn't a whole lot anyway. I hear her humming softly the entire time and I find it so comforting.
My ears perk to her footsteps shuffling back into the living room and she clears her throat, "Hey Jere, do you wanna go to that new ice cream place with me?"
I pivot to look at her. She's wearing comfy yoga pants and a large shirt with her blonde hair clipped up, pieces of it dangling around her head. She's drying her hands on the kitchen towel. She looks perfect to me right now and I never want to look away but I do because it's all a bit too much, the sudden onset of fuzzy feelings.
I've ignored them for so long, numbing myself out with this wave of bliss because it's not very pleasant. I check the time by looking at the clock on the wall and proceed to stand up, heading towards the front door.
I look back at Rosie, "We better haul ass since they close in twenty minutes."
She smiles and tosses the kitchen towel onto the couch, and hurries to catch up with me. After locking up the beach house, we make a quick dash from the porch to my unlocked truck. Rosie slides into the passenger seat and I take command in the driver's seat, turning it on and putting it into gear.
It doesn't take long to get there and when we arrive, it's dying down. Only a couple of people are in line and we don't wait long for our order. I get cookie dough and Rosie gets vanilla topped with rainbow sprinkles. She's specific about her request too and when we're back in the truck, she picks them off one by one and eats them.
I've practically devoured mine down to the waffle cone meanwhile Rosie is slowly licking off the dribbles of ice cream from the side of her waffle cone before moving onto the actual ice cream. Her emerald eyes look deep in thought and I don't dare disturb whatever she's going through because that means I'll have to open up, and that isn't something I want to be doing.
"Hey Jere," Rosie starts with and shifts her body so that she's facing me. I'm done with my ice cream by now and have been folding the napkin it came with repeatedly and smoothing out the lines. "Can I ask your opinion on something?"
For some reason, my cheeks blush and I'm dreading what she's going to ask but to play off my nervousness, I chuckle and shake my head. "I'm the last person you want advice from, Rosie."
"Oh... why do you say that, Jere?"
I shrug and look away, feeling sheepish. I'm not proud of the things I've done in the past and I'm not happy about where I'm at because of the result of my failures, and the harm I've caused. I know I hurt Steven and Laurel, and Belly. Hell, I know I'm hurting Conrad by never answering his texts or calls.
It doesn't feel good to be doing any of these things but I'm also not ready to be dealing with them either, and that's what scares me the most. I'm not ready to cross that bridge of acceptance yet and I don't know why, or what I'm holding onto. Nothing in my original life that I planned is possible anymore. The two kids I wanted with Belly were only ever going to be in my dreams, torturing me with the what-ifs.
"Because I'm a huge fuck up." I admit softly, "And because I'm back in the place where it all started and I can't stand it. I stink of failure... and I don't think I can love anyone else but Belly."
I nearly jump out of my skin when I feel Rosie placing her hand on my arm. She squeezes it gently and in an honest voice, she tells me, "I don't know what a Belly is but for what it's worth Jere... I don't think you're stinky."
