Finding My Sacred

Man Of My Dreams

I was twenty-seven years old and content with life, employed as a Family Advocate at Head Start. I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Family and Human Development from the University of Utah. I spent my weekends with my cousins, aunts, uncles and parents. I dated here and there, but the dates were always boring or the compatibility was off. I guess you could say, I gave up on ever finding anyone. I declared to my mom and dad, "I think I'm going to stay single forever; marriage isn't for me."
The Universe can be unexpected and comical. That very weekend I told my parents I would become an old maid and live with them forever.  Then the unexpected happened.
I went to my Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Gordon's house to play cards and play on their pool table. As I was sitting at the table, they introduced me to their friends, Roger and Debbie. A nice couple, we played cards for money, and I did well. The lady struck up a conversation with me, she then said, "I have a son named Daniel, like the Elton John song, I think you would like him."
I was nice and lied, saying I would meet him. In my head, I said, No. Every mom thinks their son is great, I'm sure she is well meaning, but why can't her son find a date? I laughed to myself and left the party.
Fast forward to two weeks later, and I went camping with my aunt and uncle, they said, "Debbie and Roger are camping with us; they brought their trailer."
I thought, Great, I hope she doesn't try and set me up again.
I walked outside and I saw a tall guy in a camo outfit, his face covered with a camo mask, looking for something? I walk up to him, and he tells me he lost his arrow. Being the nice person I am, I start looking on the ground with him for the lost arrow.
"Found it!" he announces.
He takes off his camo face mask and confidently introduces himself. "Hello, I'm Daniel," He extended his hand.
The guy is 6-foot-3 with sparkling green eyes, bright white teeth, and a strong chin. I am taken aback. This guy is handsome, charming and his mom wanted to set us up! Thank you mama!
"I'm Shell, short for Rachelle," I nervously say.
We do some small talk, and I head back to the trailer to brush my hair and teeth.
    I emerge from the trailer, and he's off riding his four wheeler, I go back to reading my book. At dinner time, he is at the far end of the picnic table. I grab my plate and glance at him, he's listening to music, bobbing his head.
He notices I am watching him. "It's Fleetwood Mac," he says, as he takes off his headphones. He smiles.
    I set my plate in front of him. His face is comforting, he has kind eyes. His lips are full and pink, the best feature of his chiseled face. I'm shy and embarrassed, I can't even eat and I am speechless. He's not interested, I say to myself in my head. I dump my plate and head back into the trailer.
    "Where are you going?" he asks.
    I sat back down in front of him. He commands the entire conversation, talks about the music he likes, Elton John is a favorite right now. He works as a freight crew manager at night, he knows universal sign language, and he doesn't have a girlfriend! That could change, I tell myself.
    Camping comes to an end the next day, then as we are leaving, he tells me, they are going to Lake Powell in two weeks, my aunt and uncle are going, would I like to drive down to Powell with him? My heart is pounding, I'm excited, but I tell him I need his phone number and I'll check my schedule, we exchange numbers.
    The day of our trip, I arrived at his house, and his mom is elated to see me. We are pulling two wave runners, and he is driving a Jeep. His parents are driving their motorhome to Lake Powell with us. I look at the house and think to myself, I may be spending a lot of time here. We pull away for our adventure.
    We bought a bunch of snacks.
There were red flags about him but I was blinded. About two hours into the trip, he asks me, "Do you mind if I have a cigarette? I'm not a regular smoker, I occasionally smoke on vacation."
    I was honest. "Yes, I do mind. You can't smoke in here, if you want to smoke, you're going to have to pull over and do it." I am adamant.
    He pulls over and starts puffing on the cigarette, major vibe killer for me. He takes about eight minutes, looks at me with a guilty look.
    "Do you need anything? Can I get you a soda, coffee?" he asks
    "I'm good," I say.
    We continued on our road trip. He put on a song, it's Pink Floyd's, "Wish You Were Here." He is driving and starts singing the song and doing air guitar. He makes me laugh. I love the song, it's my first time hearing it, I ask him to play it again, we keep the song on a loop. We are both singing and playing our air guitars and laughing. We do this all the way to Lake Powell. We don't stop for another cigarette break. I am in love with this carefree spirit.
    The rest of the week, we hike around the red rocks, ride on the wave runners, and steal secret kisses. On the ride home, we hold hands and sing in the Jeep, life is good. I have a steady boyfriend now – 1998 is the best year of my life.
    Three months after meeting, I became pregnant. I knew I was about four weeks pregnant when I found out. I loved Dan, but I was unsure of what his reaction would be. I was hopeful he would be receptive.
    We were driving to his parents house when I divulged the news.
    "I'm pregnant, I took the test twice, and it says I'm pregnant.." I confess.
    He slams on the brakes and pulls over to the side of the road. He hits the steering wheel with both hands. "You are not having it, I'm not going to be a dad! I'm not ready!" He yelled.
    "I think we can make it work," I plead.
    He then tells me, it's my decision, if I decide to have the baby, he is going to leave me and sign over his rights. He was adamant against having a child. I wasn't ready either. However,  I've always wanted children, I couldn't imagine being a single mom. I gave in and went to Planned Parenthood the next week for an abortion, which he set up. I went there in a daze and came out of the clinic with a piece of me missing