goodnight // lashton

epilogue.

"Stephen, please come up here. We'll go down the row." The guy said. He announced his name earlier, but I forgot to listen. It was the hardest thing ever to pay attention. These were words I needed to hear but couldn't bring myself to process. Stephen got up and took the speakers place.

"What can I say? Ashton was the best son I could have asked for, though he didn't think so. There was one thing that stood out in his letter. I've memorized it, actually. 'I know I was probably the worst son ever, huh? Doesn't play sports and kisses boys.' Yeah, he said that. I kept rereading that part. I thought that he must have thought I hated him because of that. Then, when I went on, he said that those two things didn't matter, because I love him regardless of anything. And it's true. I may never understand this. I may never understand why my son, my only son, swallowed the pills that ended his life intentionally. But that doesn't matter because, as he said, I will love him regardless of anything." If I had to admit, Stephen's speech did bring some tears to my eyes. I never knew my dad, and I wished I could have a dad like this, even if he wasn't my real father. Stephen took a seat back next to Laurie, who stood up and walked over to the podium to start her speech, which I didn't listen to. 

I wanted to listen to it, I promise, but I looked to my left and say his face. His poor, lifeless face. His eyes were shut, and I wished for anything for them to be open, as they were when he was hovering over me, my hands placed on his hips, just waiting for him to bring his head back down and kiss me. By the time I looked back over from him, Charlotte was up and about to start talking.

"I just met Ashton this year, so I was kind of shocked when my parents came up to me with a letter that had my name on the back. I knew he was gone by then, so I wasn't exactly expecting anything, but I got something. The entire letter was just him thanking me for being there for him. Something about it told me that this funeral would've came a lot sooner if he hadn't met me. I met Ashton when he was at a low point in his life. The guy has lost basically everything, including himself. And it's the hardest thing to lose yourself. But he never lost his need to look out for others. When he wrote this note, minutes before he died, he still asked me to keep an eye out on someone he knew would be eaten up by guilt and sadness and emptiness by this, and that's what I plan to do. So that's what I want to say about Ashton. Ashton was saving others, even though he was the one who really needed saving." Charlotte finished hers and, before I knew it, I was up there, once again, all eyes on me.

"I didn't really know I'd have to do this. Any of this, really. I didn't know I'd go to sleep one night to wake up to a world without my source of happiness. Ashton was, uh...He meant a lot more to me than a friend would. He was a lot more than a friend. I had a chance to stop this. Ashton's note was him telling me how much he loved me and how this wasn't my fault, but it is my fault. He was my best friend, then I lost him, then I got him back, but not as my best friend, but as my boyfriend. About ten of you just cringed. Yeah, he was my boyfriend. I would kiss him and hold him and tell him how much I loved him and how everything was going to be okay. But nothing is okay because he's gone. And I just...I had the chance to stop it. I was woken up by my phone. He had texted me 'goodbye' and I thought nothing of it. I saw it and just put my phone back on my nightstand. I had the chance to stop him from ending his life, and I blew it. I didn't know what it meant. And I just let it be. So this is my fault. It's all my fucking fault and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I blew my chance." I put my head down on the podium when I finished. Everyone was silent. I felt like I was going to be sick. I just ran out of the room and to the toilets. I heard two other people stand up, but I didn't stop. Once I got there, I threw myself on the floor in front of a toilet and released the contents o my stomach. I didn't even bother to close the stall door. I heard the door open.

"Hey, it's okay. Let it out." I heard a voice say as they put their hand on my back. Ben. Ben was my brother. The one who stopped me from killing myself. I felt hot, and I unbuttoned the top three buttons of my shirt. I got up and washed my mouth out with the water from the sink. Tears were streaming down my face. Ben had followed me to the sink.