Unseen

-5-

A little smile crosses Mum’s features, although her eyes look as hollow as usual, as empty and almost teary.

I think she’s been like this since I died, whenever that happened. I try to reach her every day, hoping she can hear me somehow or feel me. I want her to know I’m still with her, I didn’t leave her or anything, but it doesn’t seem to work. Although sometimes I think a part of her knows I’m here. Like how now she’s smiling a bit because I’m laughing. Maybe she can hear that and remember of all those times I laughed at home.

Home. It was the only place where I was actually happy, where no one could hurt me and where I was loved.

Mum used to be such an optimistic and happy person. She always knew what to say to make me feel better, even a little bit. She would walk into my room with two mugs full of  her perfect tea and would let me rant about college and how everything was so horrible. She’d let me cry and then stroke my hair, promising that after two years it would be over. That in uni people aren’t that mean and immature and I would be fine. She smiled at me and told me I was a wonderful girl and it was my classmates’ loss for not seeing what I had to offer, but she could and she was always grateful because I was her greatest blessing.

I’ve haven’t seen her smile like that again. 

I barely remember Dad, but I know that when Mum became like this he couldn’t reach her. He was also mourning but he felt so alone and seeing Mum only made it worse. He left her. He left us.

“Mum, maybe James knows more about my condition and maybe he knows how to communicate with others. Maybe he can help me or teach me something. Maybe there’s a way for you to see me and hear me, too and then it’ll be the two of us. I’ll always be by your side, Mum. I won’t leave you, okay?” I tell her and that little smile quivers before she looks down, her eyes lost in her tea and I can see a tear falling in. I reach out to touch her, to grab her hands, surrounding hers with mine. “Mum,” I call and she lets a sob escapes.

“Paige,” she whines, more tears falling into her tea and I feel like crying, too, but I can’t again.

You know that feeling when you know you’ll sneeze and you are about to but you can’t? And it annoys you and it hurts you? That’s exactly how it feels feeling like crying, wanting to cry but not being able to.

“Mum,” I say and she sobs more, taking her hands away from the mug and covering her face with them, muffling the sobs.

I can only watch her, not knowing how to stop this suffering. I want her to know I’m okay. Just lonely, but okay. And I’m with her. And maybe now I won’t be this lonely.

“My baby girl… I miss you,” she cries and I feel a lump in my throat, choking me.

“Mum, I’m all right. No reason to miss me, I’m here with you. Just… listen to me. I’m here,” I try like I’ve tried another million times but it doesn’t work, it only seems to make it worse.

Do I make it all worse? But I don’t know what to do if I don’t come back home. What would happen to Mum if I’m not around anymore? Who will look after her? Who would wish her goodnight and make sure she unplugged everything before falling asleep? Who could bring a blanket and cover her with it when she falls asleep on the sofa, watching old tapes of when I was a kid?

No, Mum needs me even if right now she is crying.

I’ll ask James tomorrow what he knows and if he knows of someone else. Maybe he knows of a way to communicate with my mum, to reassure her I’m fine. Maybe there’s a way and I’m closer than ever to changing something. I’ve been stuck for so long but maybe now something will change. I have a sliver of hope that I didn’t have before and I’ll hold on to this even if I annoy the living days out of James. Once he answers my questions then I’ll leave him alone. I’ve been like this for too long; I can’t let this chance go. I don’t know if it’ll ever present itself.

Maybe he knows nothing, but it’s a start and that’s better than nothing.

“It’ll be fine, Mum. Don’t worry, okay? Can you hear me? It’ll be okay,” I promise her, with more conviction than I’ve ever felt.

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I'm so sorry I couldn't update yesterday, I wasn't home and I didn't have access to a computer. I hope you can forgive me and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was fun to see how many were "I called it" and how many were "Holy plot twist!" hehehe. I love hearing your thoughts so keep commenting.

The shout out to the previous best comment goes to @strawverrie

Also, Paige's mum in the multimedia.

Bel, xx