Melancholy

22| I was 9 when it first happened

Ignore me as much as you'd like but soon enough I'll have you all to myself.

I can't do this. Even though I've been ignoring all of his texts, they are happening more frequently. I hate him. He makes me so goddamn angry. Every time I think of him, I am reminded of all the awful and repulsive things he did. Every time a whip or knife touched my flesh, it left a fresh scar. They claim that the new story demonstrates your strength. I, however, am not strong. They merely highlight my weakness. I didn't fight back.

I allowed them to use my body as their own as they created art using me. Another scar appeared every time he bound me to the bed and committed those vile acts. Even though others cannot see this scar. Just to me. Like a daily reminder of my worthlessness. I was tossed around like a toy or a rag doll. Like I was nothing.

Every day of my life, I've struggled to get through. Even so, he won. I lost. He got all he wanted. He was the one person who could have broken me. I despise everything he created. My insecurities were made by him. My scars are his doing. He caused the void I experienced. He destroyed me. He robbed me of everything.

I discreetly went inside the house to check whether anyone was there. I make my way to my room rushing to the washroom. I stumble as I search the drawer for it. I panic when I can't find it. I scratch at my wrist for any sort of escape. Finally finding it in the shower I draw my shirt up and let its blade gently pass my stomach. Blood leaks through, but doing it a second time made me feel euphoric.

As I'm done and the adrenaline passes, I place the blade down on the counter, cleaning the blood on my stomach before taking the gauze wrapping it around myself.

"Hey, I knocked but you didn't answer," Luca stops midway as he sees my tear stained face. I freeze in place, still wrapping the gauze. "What are you doing?" He asks slowly. Snapping out of my daze, I quickly pulled down my shirt and pushed the blade back into the sink so he couldn't see it.

"Bella, what are you doing?" He takes a step forward with a panicked expression. I stay rooted to the spot, my mouth in a tight line. By now he stands right in front of me as his trembling hand reaches behind me to the blade. He held it in front of him, his eyes widening and filled with panic.

"You did it to yourself." he whispers, his hands shaking as his eyes stay glued to the blade with fresh blood on it. My blood. The blood we shared.

"I-" was all I could manage to say. I couldn't bear to see my twins utter disappointment in me. Having your other half look at you with disgust is something that no one ever wants to see.

"Arabella," he said slowly, finally meeting my eyes as we both had tears in them. "Please. Please tell me." He pleaded with me, almost wishing that it wasn't true. I knew I couldn't give him the answer that he wanted.

I back up into the wall behind me sliding down the wall holding my knees to my chest. I bury my face into my knees letting my tears fall silently and away from his stare. I hated that he was going to be disappointed in me. My own twin was going to hate me. I knew what I was doing was terrible but knowing your twin thinks the same thing is so much worse.

Beside me I feel someone sit down next to me. A hand begins rubbing my back soothingly as I slowly meet Luca's gaze. He removes his hand away from my back keeping them on his knees as he looks at me with slight tears brimming in his eyes as his hand continues to shake vigorously.

"Can you tell me why?" He says slowly as if he spoke too loud I would break. I turned away from him, taking a deep breath.

"I was raped." I say in a mere whisper, my voice cracking. I feel Luca immediately tense beside me. Taking another shuddering breath I continue. "I don't really want to talk about all the details but it happened when Lilith sold me to this one man. He made me give myself to him. I refused- I swear-but he ended up beating me and did it without my consent as I was fighting for consciousness. He ended up doing it 3 times after that. But the worst part was-" I stopped myself not even being able to continue. Luca continued to stare forward not saying a word but you could see his lip trembling as his hands were in tight fists to stop them from shaking.