For You • (Howl x Reader) ✔️

10- Howl

I let Y/N slip out of my arms and moved back to my original position. It was time I told her everything. The knot in my stomach tightened as I took a deep breath and calmed myself down. This was the first time I was experiencing something like this and it made me feel queasy. I finally turned to face Y/N. She looked desperate for me to answer her question, it was clear from the expression she wore, yet, she gave me my space and waited patiently for me to answer her.

"Your grandfather was my former master," I finally told her. "What?" she blinked in astonishment. "Yes, Y/N, you heard right, your grandfather used to teach me magic. I was his student," I told her. I waited for her to permit me to tell her more. A moment later she gestured for me to continue. "He took me as his student when I was only four. It started when I was at my home one day and my parents had gone out. Evening came but my parents didn't return. That night I slept alone at my house for the first time. I was expecting them to be back by morning, but instead of them, I found men in black robes at the front porch of our house. They had come to take me away. I struggled against them, but I was only four, I couldn't do much except cry and scream. I asked them about my parents but they didn't tell me. At last, I gave up and just surrendered myself to them. But then I was saved. Your grandfather had arrived there. He talked to them for a while and then they finally left my home. He then told me that he would be taking me to live with him. He was kind to me and he cared for me. The next day, he brought me to his home. There I met his wife, your grandmother. I started living with them. They took care of me, fed me, and kept me as their family. But they never told me of my parents. They were like my own grandparents. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. I kept living with them. I was taught magic and I had a home. I was happy. But soon, something started poking me on the inside. I wanted to know what happened of my parents, so I asked them one day. I had grown enough to understand everything. So, I told them I wanted to know, and they finally told me after a lot of persuasion."

I paused a little after that, as memories from that day came flooding to me. A moment later I started again. "They told me my parents had died. I didn't really know how to react to that. I had always known they had died but I tried to not think about it. Three months after that day your grandmother fell ill. Your grandfather and I tried everything to save her. We gave her medicines, all kinds of, and- and we tried magic as well, every single thing we could think of doing and we did. But in the end, nothing really worked. She-she died," my voice suddenly became quieter and shallow. I tried to regain my composure and gestured for Y/N to wait. "You can stop if you want to. I can see that it's a painful memory for you," she told me softly as she moved closer to me and put her arm around my back and caressed my shoulders and shoulder blades. I shook my head 'no.' "Okay, but take it slow, alright?" she said and I nodded. I didn't want to appear weak in front of her, but these memories were too painful. After a moment I started again, as I pushed the memories away and focus my attention on speaking. "I was nine at that time, and neither I nor grandfather took her death well. We tried to act as if everything was okay, but the hole she had left in our lives and hearts was too big to be pushed away or ignored. I saw him cry many times when he thought I wasn't around, and I was the same. I was young yes, but she meant the world to me. Grandmother and grandfather were my only family in this world and when she left, I-I felt very lonely. She would care for me, teach me new things everyday and I loved her. She taught me so much. Gradually, things started returning back to normal. Grandfather and I started talking like normal again, and everything returned to normal but we missed her and we knew we would forever," I told her more. She still kept caressing my back and it soothed me down.

"But, you left him. Why?" she asked, almost whispering. "Yeah-yeah, I did. Two years after her death, when I was eleven, I found out that my parents hadn't actually died. A wizard in town told me that. He said he knew them. I was completely confused. I didn't know what to do. A few weeks later, I told grandfather about this. I was expecting it to be untrue, but it wasn't. Grandfather actually confirmed it, but he said he was sorry to have lied to me and that it was all for my own good. I was devastated after hearing that. So, I decided to....leave. I wanted to search for my parents, and so I left." A tear fell out of my eye as memories from that day came again. "I was eleven but I left. I knew enough magic to help me in anything and everything. A year later, I found them. The wizard who had told me about them helped me find them. They were working for the king and Suliman. So, I went to the palace one day, and there, sure enough, I found them. I had mixed feelings and I was afraid they'd not remember me or hate me, but they did remember me and didn't hate me at all. They took me to their home. I told them all about the seven years of my life with grandparents. And turns out, my parents knew your grandparents. My grandparents and yours were friends. I asked my parents their reason for leaving, but they just said they had some reasons which I didn't understand yet and I would understand once I was more mature. In any case, I was glad to be with my parents but my happiness didn't last long. A month after I had met them, they died. No, actually they were killed. Madam Suliman had asked me to be her apprentice, the very week I had met her, and I had agreed to be. One evening when I returned from the palace after my lesson with Suliman, I-I found my parents dead in our house. The house was all in a state of wreck, and there was blood everywhere." I stopped. After taking a shaky breath I continued again. "The next day, Suliman told me to move to the castle. She showed me sympathy and helped me. I thought her intentions were good, but turns out they weren't. I moved to the castle. Suliman gave me lessons there, and I was kept in great comfort there. But all of this was just a lie to show people that she really was the good person in everything. She-she didn't even let me go to my parents' funeral. I stayed there for years, but I not a day passed when I didn't miss my parents or your grandparents. I missed them. So, when I had finally learned everything Suliman had to offer, i left. I had come to know of her intentions and I didn't want to become her henchman. That happened six years ago, when I was seventeen. She had always wanted me to be her henchman but I never wanted that. So when I left, I came to the house where I had last left grandfather. But, he-he had left. The house was owned by someone else. I-I tried finding him for months. I asked people and the wizard community but all in vain. Soon, I found Calcifer and made my castle. But I couldn't stay in one place. Suliman was always after me. I was always on the run. I soon found out that Suliman was the one behind my parents' deaths. She did it so she could have total control over me, since my magic was powerful and once I became a fully fledged wizard, I'd be her henchman. I was angry and hurt and broken, but I still kept running. I- I also tried to find grandfather. But-but, I couldn't. I regretted every single decision in my life-" I couldn't control the flowing pool of tears anymore, and I sobbed.
Y/N pulled me into her embrace as I hid my face inside the crook of her neck. Why was I being so weak? I hadn't shown this side of me to someone for years now. Yet, Y/N always managed to break my walls somehow, and get me to open up. She caressed my back gently, as I sobbed into her neck. "What would have happened if I hadn't left that day?" I wondered in a low whisper. "Would I have been able to save him?" I spoke my thoughts in her neck again. She just kept caressing my back. "He would have been alive. You could have been happy. I would've been able to save you and him. You wouldn't have cried if I hadn't left. I'm really sorry, Y/N. I'm so, so sorry, Y/N," I whispered in her neck, as more tears flowed. "Shhh, Howl, you didn't do anything wrong. It was your decision to make. I don't blame you, and he certainly didn't. It's not your fault, Howl. You can't always protect everything. Sometimes, it's okay to let go," she spoke softly. "But you don't understand, I have never saved anyone. First it was grandmother, then my parents and now grandfather too. I'm so weak. All I ever did was run away. I ran away from him, then from the palace and I'm still running away," I croaked. "How, Howl, you're not weak. You went through so much in your life, all alone, without a shoulder. You are the strongest person I know. You don't have to beat up yourself due to the fact that you couldn't evade death and save people. You were eleven, no one expected you to be wise at such a young age. Those decisions, the past, is what has made you the man you are today," she said as she held me tighter.

After a few minutes, I pulled back, but she still kept holding me in her arms, and kept comforting me, despite the fact that she herself had broken down some fifteen minutes ago. "I'm sorry," I mumbled as I looked down. "Hmm? What was that?" she asked me. "I said I was sorry," I repeated. "Okay....but sorry for what?" "For being a mess in front of you, and making you relive all those painful memories again, I'm sorry, Y/N," I told her. "Oh, no, no, it's okay, you don't have to apologize for anything," she said in a soft voice. I nodded a little, as I looked down, not knowing what else to say. She kept her fragile, yet strong, arms around me and looked at me to make the next move. Soon, the real reason hit me and my head suddenly shot up. She looked at me, her gaze soft and warm.
"Y/N?" "Yes, Howl?" "Can I ask you a question?" She stared at my face for a moment, before nodding her head. "Why did you suddenly want to learn magic?" I asked her the question at last. She started at my face as if I had said something out of this world. A moment later, she opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her in. "Oh and Y/N, if you think about lying to me I'll know, because I know your real reason. I have known it since the day you asked me to be your master, but I want to hear it from you," I told her firmly. I couldn't help smirking a little, as she looked at me shocked. She kept staring at my face for a few moments and I couldn't help but notice her delicate features. Her eyes and eye lashes, her perfect nose, her beautiful lips, which looked even more beautiful when she smiled, and her voice; everything about her was perfect. Her skin was so delicate, so was she. My eyes moved all around her face, taking in her every feature. She was beautiful.

A moment later, she cleared her throat, which brought me back from the beauty of her face, to the situation at hand. I could see she was hesitating, so I just waited for her to tell me, patiently. She let go of me and brought her arms back to their place, which kind of disappointed a part of me. But I soon brushed my disappointment aside as she opened her mouth to speak. "Yes, if you're thinking that I want to become better at magic because I want to avenge my grandfather, then yes, that's my reason; my resolve, the resolve I made the moment those bastards killed him," she told me, gritting her teeth at the mention of those bastards. "And are you sure it is who you're thinking?" I posed another question. Her head shot towards me as she looked at me unbelievably. "Yes, it's Suliman. Those people in black are her henchmen, and she is the only wizard who wants me by their side as their slave," she said, gritting her teeth again.

"Will you stop teaching me now, Howl?" she asked me a moment later. I studied her expression. Her eyes looked lost. Even though she had a resolve, yet, her eyes looked so lost. I wanted to reach out and hug her so badly, but I refrained from doing so. I still had one last question. "No, Y/N, I won't stop teaching you. You can do whatever you want to," I told her finally. Her lips stretched wide and she suddenly hugged me. "Thankyou, Howl," she said in my shoulder, her voice muffled. "There is one last thing I want to ask you," I said slowly, and she parted from the hug and looked at me. "Go on," she told me softly. "You don't hate me do you?" I asked her. Her eyes widened at this. She shook her head. "No, silly, why would I hate you?" she said and chuckled.

"Because I left and everything. If I had stayed who knows he may have been alive," I said. "I already told you Howl, it's not your fault. Why would I blame you for your past actions and decisions? My grandfather certainly didn't and I don't, so you should stop blaming yourself as well," she told me and then put her hand on shoulder, and smiled. "It's okay," she told me. "It's alright," she spoke again softly. I smiled a little which she returned with a smile of her own.

"Thankyou for not hating me," I whispered and smiled a little. "Silly," she muttered under her breath and I chuckled, which led to her grinning wide. I smiled when I saw her like that. Her face looked even perfect when she smiled. Then and there I decided to never become the reason of her pain and instead do anything and everything to make her smile.