Dear Augustus | I Never Let Go ✓

20 | The Acceptance

As another week passes, I spend almost all my evenings with you, watching you play hopeful melodies and also the sad ones. I spend the rest of the night twisting and turning in my bed, waiting for Adrian to jump in through my window. Even keeping it shut all day long doesn't stop me from hoping.

I've spent three weeks with the time and space Adrian had mentioned when he let me go. By this time, I'm supposed to find my answers and accept my decision, my one right choice. But nothing stopped me from the silent introspection that my mind has been doing all this time.

I hide behind the kitchen wall and listen whenever mom talks to Adrian. He hasn't stopped asking about me. He is concerned about my finals and wants me to return, not for him but the classes. I haven't stopped either, I keep checking his social handles, and all it does is - cave my heart some more.

There are no substantial new posts except one from his last match with his new team and one with a blonde named Chloe Drake. I ignore the other two guys in the picture as all my eyes can focus on is the way she has her petite body draped over his side. My pulse keeps hammering, a bitter venom course through my veins with the thought that he found my replacement in a mere three weeks. But then, after crying internally for the entire night, I swallow the vile, nasty feeling for the sake of his happiness.

It needs to stop. I won't allow myself to be hung up on one guy while moving on with the other. It's so damn wrong, and I feel like the worst kind of person to put all three of us through my indecisive behavior.

So, I try harder, with more resolve for you, Augustus. I let myself float in the soft melody of your voice, the gentle embrace of your arms, and the passionate kisses of your lips. I don't listen to the silent plea at the back of my mind, whispering some hidden secrets of my heart. Instead, I let you kiss me breathless, trying to ignore the tightness in my lungs. I ask you to hold me against your warmth, trying to relax the cold seeping into my heart. I shut off every voice, every sign, and every memory.

Then one night, I finally take on my choice. I send one single message to you as my fingers drift over the dusty box in my hands.

Me: I'm ready, Augustus.

I place the phone back on the nightstand and get pulled back in time. The box is from years back, before I had even met you, Augustus. This one was hiding under my bed for the last five years. I had dumped all the letters written in bad grammar by a sappy and over-sensitive teenager, who crushed on the boy next door. I trace the purple heart itched on the lid in between letters A and V. I should've gotten rid of these memories long back instead of adding new ones to it, memories that pulse along with my heartbeats.

It's time to cut some ties loose and bind the ones that will last forever. I sit for ten long minutes, with my legs pulled together and chin propped on my knees. The pain has not receded yet, and it's never going to either. Over time it will grow tendrils and coil around my soul, but maybe your love will heal me, Augustus.

It has to.

Just when I'm sure it's fading, a new rush of desperation has me stumbling out of bed towards the dresser. I claw at my clothes until I find the piece of clothing I'm searching for. I bunch Adrian's soccer jersey with his name and a faint smell. I had packed it along with my clothes when I came home. The thought that it's the last time I'm subjecting myself to this torment, I discard the t-shirt I'm wearing and pull his jersey over my head, down my body. His smell engulfs me, and for the first time in three weeks, a warm fuzzy feeling floods me.

"One last time," I mumble with trembling lips as I snatch my laptop from the table and settle on the floor. For the next few hours, I watch all the games I've missed, and the moment I catch glimpses of Adrian, I let go. I'm a mess fresh out of an asylum, tears flowing down my eyes and my body shaking with the impact of my sobs.