The Stars Don't Mind

17. Edges Need Ledges Too

Marco:

We are painting. Mommy, me and Dad.

"That is a flower," I say pointing at the flowerpot by the window.

"Yes it is. Will you get Mommy that flower?"

I force open my eyes, pushing away the thought altogether. I let go of my grip on her waist as she eased farther away from me. I brushed the few strands of her hair away from her face.

I know keeping secrets isn't healthy, but some secrets hold too much agony for the person hiding them. Secrets are healthy. Secrets keep me sane.

I clenched and unclenched my fists.

"Marco?" Amelia called softly.

"Yeah...Cannot sleep?"

"No," she said. I leaned in closer as she looked at me.

"Are you alright?" she asked as she entwined her fingers with mine.

"Yeah. Uh... I think, I mean, I guess."

She didn't seem convinced but let it go.

The next morning, I made her some easy breakfast as she got dressed and walked out, her hair still a bit wet.

"Good morning," she greeted.

"Good morning..." I said passing her the dish.

"You slept good?" I asked her.

"I somehow always sleep good," I winked. The memory of last night's deja vu hit me back as I focused my energy on eating.

"When do you get off today?" I asked her.

"Long working hours today. Probably by 7," she said.

"Oh... You wanna meet up for dinner?" I asked.

"There's a hospital staff dinner today... But you are welcome to join," she said.

It felt like she didn't want me there.

"Oh I guess not... Can't afford to get someone engaged again!" i laughed it off. She laughed forcefully. Noticing the tough weather between us, I excused myself early. Once I reached back home, I got dressed and rushed to work.

Amelia:

He seemed like he was in a a hurry to leave. Did something happen?

Confused, baffled and infuriated, I closed the door after him and got into my car. I had lied about the work dinner. It was kinda my fault. It felt like he needed some space away from me. I drove upto the hospital pulling into the hospital parking and greeted the security guard.

Making my way upstairs, ironically through the elevator, I reached into my office and settled down.

I had outpatient care today. After checking up on a few people, I excused myself to the terrace as I looked down from the height. I sometimes wonder what Vernon actually saw when he stood this close to the ledge. Did he see safety or serenity? Was it clear or was it blurry? Was he afraid or calm?

I pull back from the edge realising my nails were digging into my arm. I started playing some songs to distract myself from what I was thinking especially after what had happened yesterday.

I closed my eyes, depriving myself of all sensory reciprocation but to no avail. I opened my eyes to see Jacob standing with a sandwich in his hands. He sighed as I removed my earphones.

"What are you doing up here alone?" he asked.

"Nothing. Why? Can't an adult come up to the terrace?"

"If the adult's a baby like you, no." he snorted.

"Don't you have outpatient too?" he asked.

"Yeah well..." I nodded.

He sat down beside me.

"So what have you been upto?" I asked him.

"Do you remember how we used to cry upstairs here?" he asked.

"Yeah every freaking evaluation day!" I laughed.

"Does that offer still stand?" he asked looking at me.

"Have you been struggling? Oh honey!"

"It's just I'm not... Oh Fuck here we go!" he said as he turned his face away.

I patted on his back as I took his hand in mine.

"It's just that... My mum, she hasn't been that good lately. She is forgetting things. I'm afraid she'll forget a lot of things soon. And I felt like we were also forgetting them along with her. Why do all the flowers have to wither?" he said wiping his tears on his handkerchief as I put my arm around him.

"I didn't forget it. I still remember how much you and your family matter to me... I'm sorry I didn't notice," I said.

"It's not your fault. I... It's just that I have been having a rough time dealing with everything," he said.

"I'm here. It'll be better soon." I hugged him.

He walked away and stood at the edge as I saw his shoulders shake as he cried.

Jacob was that sort of guy. He'd be pretending so easily that others won't take heed. I would somehow always get it straight but this time I failed to stop him and he ended up bundling it up.

He looked down and then looked away. I think I got my answer.

I patted on his back as I looked down once again and I saw every single detail of the picture that was forming in my eyes. It's not what you see but who you see it for and when.

I think it's not just me who sees the earth shake. I think it's all of us. All in our different ways try to ignore it. Some hide behind booze, while some hide behind a mask. I'm pretty sure we are all hiding, afraid that once everything will be out in the open, the world will stop making sense.