I FEEL USED

Chapter 1: The weakling inside me

" I am done", this was the millionth time i had said that. I had just gotten into an argument with my mother( Claudia). She looks tired of me and my brothers. Im sure if she could she would get rid of us(mostly me though). I was sick of crying but it somehow felt good and draining at the same time. "I dont know how my life got to this, how my family members turned themselves including me into monsters." There i was, sitting or better yet kneeling on my carpet in my room,crying, enduring the ache in my heart. It had become a  permanent part of my life. I was starting high school the following day but instead of "glowing up" i had prepared for high school by turning myslef into a crybaby. Ever since i turned 12 ive been difficult and moody. Growing up i never really cared about how people felt about me or about being the best but when i started doing well it kinda became part of me and the thought of failure frightened me. So i always fought to do good. Believe it or not i was a good kid, no boys involved,no cussing, minimal crying because i thought i had it all figured out and last of all really
Kind and sweet. All that has disappeared though, since we moved to Nevada ive become cold and secretive. Its like i was like this and then one minute ive evolved into something totally different and grotesque. I still do good though:) Its not an excuse though for the way i am. I have my parents to blame too, they have never lived together in a household like most families, they have always been two separate people living separate lives. This always makes me think of the worst(divorce) or being in custody of one parent. I don't know if this is a good time to mention this but I am very imaginative in the sense that I will go through and create all the scenarios possible in my head so yeah if they do get divorced I would have seen it,been through it(in literally all ways possible)and will still break down about the whole thing and try to kill myself . I have tried to do so in many ways but I just never went through with it because I AM WEAK. I don't know why but I feel doing so will hurt me(it will) but emotionally. I am a perennial river except I don't have water all the time but tears, either bottled up or cascading down my face which really isn't good but I guess when you are a teen it's good to let those feelings out. It's a lie honestly cause who does(everyone but privately though) if someone does that I always think maybe they couldn't hold it any longer, so if any of my new school mates see me cry they must know that I tried but they forced their way out like they always do. " It's all worthless and a waste of time, let me just get up. I can't risk someone seeing me like this." It just hit me that I'd been kneeling for almost half an hour crying and narrating my whole life story to myself so I got up cause well HIGH SCHOOL (in 12hours). It looked like a lot but it wasn't and until then I had to figure out what I was gonna wear and in no time I was daydreaming about the things I'd do because  honestly I was planning on intentionally being a nuisance to society. It was just for some harmless fun and in the process I hoped I'd either get disowned or killed, either of the two would do but death is swift so 2votes for death and 1 for abandonment." Its the very first breath when your heads been drowning underwater, and it's the lightness in the air when you are there CHEST TO CHEST WITH A LOVER" the song is called 1-800-273-8255. It's a suicidal song but quickly turns into assurance at the end. I love it because it gives me hope although my shattered heart doesn't want it anymore. Listening to music that sends off  positive and negative vibes is the best because unknowingly i always get drawn to the negative. It feels goods, like when oxytocin is released or when someone harms themselves. The body feels the pain and the eyes see the ink, the red ink that shows what you have done but the heart feels good because it helps ease the pain and temporarily take it away. " PLEASE feed your brother then bath him", I mean seriously" I am tired mum plus I'm still doing something right now." " If by doing something you mean listening to that song and ironing the same shirt for 20minutes then I don't want to repeat myself" insert death stare.  That was the fifth shirt I was ironing so no I had been ironing the same shirt for 4mins not 20 and I was only left with my trousers. Claudia got back from church 3hours ago and went to sleep cause she had a headache. She was tired most of the time which meant she couldn't spend time with my brother who is only 4years old,and is more of a person to me now. She is my mother but the "mommy" filter has now fallen off and because of that I notice every little thing she does from the most loving to the most malignant, toxic things she does and says. I feel indifferent to my brothers' needs especially my 10year old brother. I have spent more than a half and quarter of my life with him and this has led to us "hating" each other. Attention seeker's always end up in my bad books and so he has but also because he always tries to outwit me and embarrass, belittle and disrespect me. The only thing I have in common with him is our relatives and love for certain cartoons, with Claudia it's wat different. Apparently we sound the same(my father says), I shout a lot and she does too and we both seem to be tired,unhappy and totured by life and people. We are both lazy as I used to say but the truth is its not laziness but instead we are just burnt out because of societies high expectations, because of the high standards we set for ourselves and because of each other. We take the burden out on each other but unlike me she actually has the guts to say no to me even if she knows it's really important to me and her, and unlike her I actually  don't judge people a lot. Unlike me she seems to not care about the turmoil and the physical and emotional labour that I have to do in order for her to get some "rest" .Solitude is important to me because it seems like all the problems I have now developed well before but only came to light when I was a bit older. Having control over one's emotions is important because it contributes to the overall behaviour of a child but because I spend the whole year with my siblings and cousin I am Bad at controlling my emotions. I shatter easily like glass but just know how to hide it. I am now portrayed by my family members as a liar, a rebel, a bad person and an extremely rude person with a highly advanced attitude but no one has ever asked me why I changed all of a sudden. Sometimes as a child you yurn for that nuclear family, not for you to be with parts of your extended family . I want that more than ever because it has been too long now. I'm sick of too many adults telling me what to do. Tomorrow I'm going to be starting high school and I need a change in my life. HIGH SCHOOL HERE I COME.