Jar Of Hearts

Chapter 14:Philanthropy

     That’s how Beomgyu perceived it, because, quite frankly, he felt too much for it to be any less. It baffled him how willingly he came here, ready to be faced with the worst without a flicker of hesitance, not up until now.

     He did trust Taehyun— he does. It just scared him how far that trust ran.

     “Here,” a glass of water was held before his face, reminding him of where he was, to begin with. Taehyun was standing in front of him and Beomgyu had to crane his neck up to look at him from his position on the couch.

     He wondered if his eyes sparkled from Taehyun’s perspective.

     “Thank you,” he croaked, unaware of how dry his throat ran until he tried to speak. He flinched when it came out hoarser than expected, promptly downing the glass seconds after. If he had something to say, would his voice crack halfway through?

     Taehyun only nodded in acknowledgement, taking a seat on the couch beside him. He made sure not to situate himself too close to Beomgyu, he noticed. The older boy tried not to scowl at the gap, tried not to show how touch-starved he was when it came to him.

     After seconds of staring at the empty glass in his hand, he wondered if he should just leave. If he couldn’t say anything, was it even the right thing to do?

     “Are you okay?” Taehyun questioned delicately. It was a cliche question, almost  always  met with a faux reply. Nothing was okay, yet at the same time, being here with him, everything was okay.

     “Yeah. Yeah, I just wanted…” Beomgyu breathed, “I needed to tell you some things.”

     Taehyun stirred beside him, not closer, but more comfortably. “Okay, I’ll listen.” He told him clearly, leaving no room for him to delve into any concealed meaning behind his words.

     A shaky inhale, a rush of warmth. How ironic how this was always how he felt around him no matter the situation.

     “You know, I never thought I would feel what it’s like to be in love again,” Beomgyu muttered. In love. That’s how he was starting, and how he feared it was ending. “And I didn’t want to for the longest time.”

     It dawned upon him then that fear may be the last emotion he would feel.

     If these moments may have been the last with his warmth in his chest, why would he send them off with troubled thoughts and hesitance? As dramatic as it seemed, why would he give himself away while ridden with timidity and agitation?

     Beomgyu allowed himself to be immersed in his love for the first time.

     He’d rather be wrung of warmth than fear.

     “I mean, you can imagine, right?” Beomgyu advanced, holding out his wrist as a paltry chuckle left his lips. He noticed how Taehyun’s eyes didn’t leave him even when he signalled at his single heart. Would it be easier if he was looking away? “I was content with depriving myself of receiving or giving that type of love. I didn’t need it.”

     He paused a second too long. “Until I did. Until I couldn’t stop myself from wanting.” You, gone unspoken.

      Taehyun didn’t speak, only let himself be spoken to. Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to look at him, unsure if he’d be met with what he wanted or what he was dreading.

     “And I know I shouldn’t because my conscious would dim my own heart,” he spoke outright, “but a part of me was desperate to feel that way again— to have fallen so hard it was intoxicating. I couldn’t slow it down or get rid of it.”