Jar Of Hearts

Chapter 12 : Inclination

     If it had been Beomgyu’s choice, he would’ve fallen out of love weeks ago.

     It wasn’t that being in love was undesirable. In fact, it was quite a contradiction.

     Had it been up to him, he’d fall in love with Taehyun ten more times, over and over, just to home the thrill rustling through his chest. He’d allow himself to enjoy the airy feeling, allow himself to give in to him entirely. To have a solid safe place.

     Being in love with him was like walking a tightrope for him. The end appeared so near, totally attainable and, frankly, desired. The only safe option was going towards it or retreating. The latter seemed cumbersome, so his choice was going forward.

     Except, balancing his centre of mass on such a frail, skeletal wire proved to be much more of a challenge this time than any other. A single tip of his body would send it all spiralling, dragging him further away from his goal than before. A short sidestep would ruin it all.

     A fleeting thought would drag him to what he was intending to avoid.

     It made him come to the concluding thought that he’d fall out of love if he could. The boy he’d fallen for wasn’t the problem, he never was. Beomgyu was his own problem.

     It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Taehyun enough to give him his heart. Though some uneasiness hindered, his main fear was himself. The most pain comes from self-destruction, doesn’t it? Broken relationships and faded memories come from the creeping overthinking most people home, from the distrust and doubt in themselves and others.

     Being in love was the same for him. He craved it— he has it, but where does he go from there? His heart only yearns with passion and his hand's itch for contact more and more every time they meet. The feeling wouldn’t dull. It wouldn’t cease in his head, no matter how hard he tried to throw it away. He tried to rid of his love, yet things like that weren’t in his hands.

     He only wished he’d loved harder before. He wished that one of his former loves would’ve given him more of an effect just so he wouldn’t anticipate it so much this time. Maybe, then, he wouldn’t be as disappointed.

     But the past was unalterable. What had been done was his own doing being put out, his own naive mind laying out the rest of his life. If Beomgyu could meet his past self, he would’ve looked him in the eyes and the raw hurt would be enough to send all his thoughts and feelings through.

     It wasn’t possible. What was the point in dwelling on dreams? That’s all it had seemed like.

     So, when Taehyun had called him, asking to meet again, he wondered if he’d be able to let go of him. If he’d be able to free the energy beating against his chest when he’d hear his voice, the shivers down his body when he’d meet his skin, the warmth in his face when their eyes would meet.

     Not any time soon, it seemed.

     He wouldn’t be able to control or subside the lump in his throat, the nerves swelling. He realised that when he stood outside Taehyun’s door, his balled fist hovering over the dark wood. He hesitated without a reason to.

     Taehyun texted him the day before, explaining— very vaguely— that he needed more pictures. Beomgyu couldn’t fathom why he was needed for that. He guessed Taehyun was taking pictures of people more often, but why was it only him?

     He wasn’t complaining, of course. Not when all his attention was on Beomgyu in those moments, when his eyes were set on him only and his mind was focused solely on the boy he was photographing. It left a fluttery feeling in his middle.