Social-Suicide

Heart

"Dear heart,
Why do you run from the
things that give you a pulse
...Don't fear what makes you feel"
                                              -@hagarmohamed
Natasha's POV,

As I let sleep take over I was once again reminded of the person I once was, the person who deep down I'll always be.

Nightmare/flashback

I was back, back in the place that turned me into the monster I am today.

"Shoot" a stern voice demanded

I looked over at the person I was supposed to kill and my heart broke as I saw the young brunette.

"Wanda" I mouthed

Wanda and I had been friends since my first day at the KGB.

"I can't", I told myself

I already killed Yellena, I can't kill her too.

"Shoot, or I shoot you" the voice demanded

I then took the gun in my hands, put my hand on the trigger, aimed it at her and took my shot, not missing. I didn't want to do it, my heart broke doing it but at the KGB, if they know you care about someone they have you kill them or worse, have you two battle it out in a game of death.

I then threw the gun at the man that the voice came from "happy now" I asked him in both anger and frustration

He chuckled mischievously "you have proven to be the monster I created"

I let a single tear fall down my cheek, then the man disappeared and I was in a dark room with no source of light.

"Hello" I called

Looking for someone to answer but no one did instead I was greeted by the dead body of Yelena.

"Yel" I whispered

Then bodies continued to drop, all the body's of those I've killed in the past.

"No" I yelled tears in my eyes, I fell on my knees and looked at my hands that were covered in blood

"Their blood, is on your hands Natalia" a voice stated

"I-I was only doing what I was told" I stuttered

The voice laughed mischievously "when are you going to learn you would have done it without being told"

End of nightmare/flashback

I woke up, drenched in cold sweat, tears running down my cheeks, breathing heavily.

'Would I still have become a monster without being told?' I wonder

I was so lost in thought that I didn't even hear the door open, all I did was feel the warm embrace of a man, I looked up to see who it was, I smiled to myself it was Steve.

"You want to talk about it" he asked me softly

I sighed and shook my head "bad dream" I replied nonchalantly

He pulled away from the hug and gave me a knowing look

"You want to tell me about it" he asked again

I gave him a sad smile and sighed "you ever wonder why Fury made me an avenger" I asked

He nodded

"You remember when I was gone for a few years" I asked

He nodded again "yeah, how could I forget"