Love like you [Mammon x Reader]

A Stupid Demon is a Useful Thing to Have

"Ugh! This all comes to Lucifer! Getting stuck having to look after a human, ending up in a pact, everything bad is his fault."

What does that have to do with Lucifer...?

"The way Levi's haircut is so lame, and Satan's horns are so stupid-lookin', and Lucifer's feet are so putrid, all of it is Lucifer's fault!"

What is he even talking about...

Wait, did he say Lucifer's feet were putrid?!

You stare at Mammon, disgusted as you picture him smelling Lucifer's feet.

"Not that I've actually ever smelled his feet!" he said, making you sigh in relief.

An uncomfortable silence fell between you two, each of you getting on your own thoughts again. That, until you broke it.

"So, Mammon. What's at the top of the stairs?" you asked.

"Wait, what stairs? Are you talkin'about the stairs that lead up into the attic?"

You nod, waiting for an answer.

"Oh man, there you go again, stickin' your nose where it doesn't belong..."

"So? You're not gonna tell me anything?"

"Of course not! Not like that!"

"What?! 'Like that' like what?"

"Do you know the secret to getting people to tell you stuff? Go ahead, tell me."

What is he even talking about?!

Well, blackmail would work... I did ask Lucifer for blackmail, but he ended up not saying anything.

Either way, it's Mammon we're talking about here...

"Money."

"Exactly! Now that's what I'm talking about!" Mammon shouted, excitedly "I guess you do get it! If ya wanna pry valuable information outta someone, you've got to offer 'em proper compensation!"

I still don't have much money though... Nor would I give it to him, when I could just ask someone else.

"Wait a second... Uh-oh, I know what this is about!"

"You do?"

"You tried to climb those stairs, but Lucifer stopped you, right? That's totally it, isn't it?"

"Wow, it seems like you do use your brain sometimes. I'm impressed."

"Shut up." he tossed "Well, then there's something you need to get straight now."

"I'm not gonna give you money."

"What?!" he shouted "You know you're not gonna get any info that way, right? I mean, pretend I told you something I shouldn't. Lucifer would beat me half to dead."

"You keep denying that you're scared of him, but you always say something like that in the end."

"I might not be scared of him, but I'm not a masochist! I don't like being beaten."

"That actually kind of make sense. You're impressing me a lot today and it's still morning." you said, honestly.

"Tsk, I'm a very impressive man, you know?"

"Yes, captain!"

"Still, if you're bound and determined to buy this information off of me... Then you'll have to offer me, let's see... How about the monetary equivalent of the world's total oil production? Two hundred million years' worth. That might do it."