Reviews

~First Review: What We Fight For~

Alright, Marchie here with the first review already- ^^ I'm here today with What We Fight For by @Catbug_and_Puppycat

Upon reading the first chapter, I noticed it was short. That's really not a problem, but just an observation. No harm there~

However, some of the general mechanics of the story were off. Not horrible, but it could use a bit of work. Try getting some people to peer edit your work before publishing, and even go over it a couple of times yourself, and be open to criticism for it.

Okay, to not digress, I'll continue on.

There were a couple of OOC moments with the subjects. But again, that's jut probably how you write. I hope you could read over a wiki or look at RPers and how they portray the characters a bit better before writing out because some people may tell you that you're too OOC and that could (depending on the reader itself) make you lose a couple of reads.

One thing I'm confused with is the fact that, in the Prologue (the only thing written as of now), Italy mentioned that his second player version beat him up.

Would you really include the second player in a fan fiction when you already have a regular AU?

I mean, that may just be my opinion, but I don't see the reason to have first players and second players in the same fan fiction unless there's an AU where they don't represent basically the same thing...

Then again, just my opinion.

Also, again, just my opinion, but having the "*with ___*" parts confuse me a little. It'd be easier to concentrate on just one person at a time.

Or maybe, if you're going to focus on different people like that, I'd highly suggest creating a smoother transition.

Honestly, I think it has the potential to be a relatively decent story if you change stuff, get the mechanics (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.) fixed up mainly. I'd also try and clear up the "*with ___*" a bit to make it a little less confusing, and create a smoother transition. Those are some major issues that you should probably clear up. My reviewing peers may disagree and add on if they wish, and add their own opinions, but this is my judgement on this fan fiction so far.

I give it, overall, a 6.5/10