ME WITH YOU

29

Natasha

Slowly and slowly life fades and then suddenly one day we realize we need to live without our someone. That someone who is your strength, who is your weakness. That someone was the one who motivated you, corrected you without making fun of it. That someone was the one who cared for you, loved you. Well, when we lose that someone it feels our own living life has been deflated.

I was at home. It was just the right one for both of us. I didn’t even get to attend his funeral. Though, I wonder if I would ever have attended it because I am still processing it. My heart is not ready to accept what it has to. I can’t blame it, can I? I wanted to cry, shout but both were strangers this time. It was weird. Whenever I was sad, I used to cry. Why am I not able to cry now?

“Hey, are you okay?” Veronica asked. She ringed me twice but I didn’t pick up. On the third ring, I picked it up.

“I am not in a mood to talk”

“Just go out and walk around. Visit Felix if you want” she said.

I cut the line. I think, I should visit Felix if I want to accept and face the reality. I took my bike and went to the site. I wasn’t able to stop there. I cannot stop. I didn’t stop. I am not ready. I need time. Its too sudden. I went back to our own home. Our smell was still there. I could feel it. I went back to our room. Our lovely space as I used to call it. I went to the shelves and touched each of the books one by one. All these books were brought by him. He was too envious of the fact that my GOT book series was given by… I don’t even remember his name. I caress each book with love as if it was Felix. I came across my journal. It contains all our stories. I used to write it whenever something good or bad happened. I flipped the diary open.

Dear diary

Today, I went on a movie date with Felix. I was in the lecture room and Felix said he was going to give me a surprise. We saw our first movie together. Then, we were walking around casually, finding a good restaurant to eat. While wandering, I found you on one of the shelves of the shop. Felix saw me staring at you and bought you. He gave you to me and then took my hand, entangled our fingers. We went on. We ate, then went for an ice cream. We sat on a bench. I asked if we shall go? But he didn’t respond, just looked at me. I felt a spark and we kissed. It was a soft and passionate one.

He stared at me. I blushed and stared at the sky. I kept my head on his shoulder and didn’t know how the time passed. It felt so comfortable and I fell asleep. I woke in the morning. The first view of my day was his and my hands entwined. It gave me an unknown joy of some sort. I stared at him. His eyes closed and his stark facial features were gleaming with sunshine. He is too smart to be mine. But he is mine anyways. We went back to the dorms and attended the lecture. I went to the bookstore for my part time and after my shift got over, he came. He had the next shift, isn’t it funny! I hugged him. Kissed him on his cheeks and said my bye to him. That’s all that happened but I am excited for tomorrow; who knows what will happen tomorrow because each day of a relationship feels like a roller coaster of intense emotions.

It made a smile appear on my lips. I still remember the sky that night. And Katherine’s OH MY GOD! Eyes on the video call. She was so hyper excited. She thought we did it when we didn’t. I told her but she refused to accept it. Veronica actually guessed we didn’t do anything strange which is quite impressive on the other hand. 

I went to the window and saw the sky. Dark, with no moon or stars, just like my life. Is he really gone? Or is it a prank? I went around the house.  The kitchen was my favorite place. I never learned cooking and he never forced me to. He always used to cook. Initially, he also didn’t know how to cook but he learned it as another way of spoiling me. I want to be spoilt by him. Now, I had a sudden surge of eating. I was starving. I wanted his handmade dish. Now, I was yearning for it. I opened the fridge to find several dishes but the only problem was that these weren’t made by Felix. I didn’t know who made it. Katherine and Veronica are taking turns and taking care of me. I found a slip there.

My dear babe,

I know you are not in a mood to eat. But I made them and you just need to heat them up and they will be edible.

Katherine

I knew it. I heat the food and take the first bite. It doesn’t feel right. It isn’t right. I cannot eat this. This is not the food I am hungry for. Well, I don’t know if I will ever have the food I am hungry for. Does this mean I will be hungry forever for food and for him? I just slid in bed with an empty stomach. If I am supposed to be dying of hunger then let it be because dying is one way of reaching him. But reaching him too soon will only dishearten him after all. He won’t want both of us to have the same ending. I woke again, walked back to the kitchen and finished the meal.