09/28/21
01:24AM
Just another hard-to-sleep night with me. I was scrolling through my social media when I stumble upon the post my mutual friend shared. I have been greatly affected with my curiosity so I decided to interact with it. The post goes like this,
"I'm so bored, so interact and I'll ask you a deep question."
Ofcourse I interacted and so my mutual sent me a message.
"What's something you wish your inner monologue would stop saying to you?" She asked.
"A lot.
The 'I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not talented enough, I am not responsible enough, I am not courageous enough, I am a burden.' " I replied. Yes, I have a dramatic ass.
It took her quite some time to throw another question.
"Where do you set your standards from? Is it like because of nature around you or a product of ✨trauma✨?" She asked.
"Hm, i would say both. The nature around me has brought trauma in me. Idk, ahahhahaha." I replied.
Who experienced this as well? I suppose a lot of you as well. It may differ in the situation but the thought of getting trauma from the nature around you still sucks.
"Anyways, do u feel pressured?"
"Sort of hahaha, but I don't really mind." I do mind. It hurts. I prefer being physically hurt than being emotionally hurt. It hunts you everytime, and it sucks.
"Parenting didn't work?" She asked again.
"Kinda failed halfway my adulthood."
I know. Parenting is not easy. I goddamn know that. And a single mistake does not define them as a failure. But wishing for their child to shorten their life is a failure. Why? A parent hurt their child's self-esteem. They start blaming their selves every time they see that their parents are mad over something that isn't about the child's doing. A child starts questioning about their worth. And mostly, it is where a child's suicidal thoughts come. It sucks.
It's the you know, the norm and the fuckin expectations because you know, you're the older one and you're supposed to be the best. If not, you should be the perfect example. Like you're carrying the weight of responsibility for the younger ones to mirror as like role model or like you should be the standard.
"Oh I think I know the reason why I feel pressured." I added.
"Why?"
"Maybe because i am a middle child. Meaning i have one older sibling and one younger sibling. So, i needed to keep up with the expectations the people has set for me after seeing how my older sibling does. And i also have to be a role model to my younger sibling because you know, younger ones mirror what the older ones do. Fck"
"I see. Ueihaiwhebkajskeydh but like you know, take it easy. Move at your own pace everybody has their own clock. Tf did i just give advice?"
I sometimes forget that she's older than me. She's my friend and she used to be my classmate. I have always showed my corky side which led to people getting surprised by my, you know, serious side.
"You just have to admit you have limited capacities as well you know that way you can accept you can't do everything, you know. Break the standards whoever you're looking up to because you'll never be them. You have to find your own identity like within your own self."
And there I just realized that we have to stand for our self. That sometimes we need to break something to build ourselves. We won't be able to do something for someone of we can't do something for ourself. Either we win, or we learn.
We win and we lose. But losing doesn't mean failing. It means learning.
See you next time!
2:03AM
