Song Remains the Same

Chapter 148: Ad Alterum Latus

To Alex's relief, she was finding the motherly instinct came naturally. She was in tune with her baby, confident about meeting his needs, and while yes she'd been nervous and hyper-vigilant about doing everything right the first few days, she had somehow managed to be less of a paranoid mess than Cas had ended up being. The first few days after their son was born, the angel had been in a trance of awed fear—hovering nervously, afraid to break CJ or do something wrong, stressing over what was normal and not normal—all while he obsessively worried over Alex and her condition too. He didn't say as much, but Alex knew he was scared of her dying again. Cas had accidentally woken her up many times the first two days while she slept, his anxiety compelling him to verify (several times an hour) that she was still breathing. Thankfully he was relaxing more and more every day. She was too.

So far, CJ was a quiet and sweet infant who fussed little and slept a lot. When awake, he had this alert and inquisitive quality to him that Alex swore she wasn't making up. During the pregnancy, she and Cas had both wondered about his development and if it would be normal—after all, he'd ended up being in utero for just about four months total and even though he looked human, he wasn't. Despite all that, he seemed to be growing at a typical human rate now that he had been born. The only thing that was in definite conflict with all the baby books was his eyesight. CJ clearly had depth perception and could already track moving objects, which wasn't supposed to happen for like five months more or so. He was incredibly special—all mothers probably felt this way about their children—but Alex knew for a fact he was one of a kind.

She shifted her baby and herself, planting her feet in bed and bringing her knees up. There she rested him to lay upright against the gentle slope of her thighs as she took his little hands in hers. His fingers grabbed on, and he was strong. "You been hitting the gym when I wasn't looking?" Alex asked, and he sputtered and cooed in response. He was impossible not to admire: his button nose and elfin chin, the huge blue eyes framed by the tiniest little fanning lashes, the softest little pink cheeks. Something about him held a promise of good things in life and better days ahead—he stirred some part of her that had never quite existed before. And while she wasn't a good singer, Alex knew her baby delighted in singing, so she started the first thing she thought of: Guns N' Roses. "He's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories,where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky..." Her smile faded into bittersweet territory as she remembered Dean singing this exact song to her when they were kids. And just like that, the bubble of bliss was popped—as it was multiple times per day.

This is where the guilt always began to creep in. The inner whisper that she was not allowed to have any happiness, not even a little bit. The thought that she was a bad sister, hunter, and friend for not being on the road in an attempt to save the world and her brother.

"Mmmph," CJ grunted neutrally, his huge, interested eyes studying her. Alex came out of the intensity of her spiraling thoughts.

"You're wondering why I stopped, huh." Alex petted his hair, trying not to feel sad but failing. "That song makes me think of your uncle Dean," she murmured, then slipped her hand behind her baby's head, looking at him like he looked at her. She smiled, however sadly. "You'll get to meet him soon. I promise."

A cute little baby sound was the only response she got. "Mm." Bringing him close, Alex kissed his little forehead then held him, trying to commit every detail to memory—trying not to think about any other version of reality except one where Dean was cured and got to hold his nephew in his arms.

Sam, Bobby, Dad—I hope today's the day you catch him.

Dean had escaped the bunker during the pandemonium of CJ's birth with Bobby and Dad hot on his heels. Sam caught up with them several hours later after making sure Alex and everyone else in the bunker was safe and stable. So far, the three men had encountered zero luck bringing the demon back in. All that was left was aftermath: Dad had an injured leg, Sam and Cas were both busted up from coming to blows with Dean, Kyle had cracked ribs, Jamie had the bruised throat, Linda sustained a concussion, and Kevin had pulled his shoulder. Molly, Bobby, and Alex were the only ones who had escaped without much damage.