Around January i came out to my mom.. i wrote her a letter in December explain what i felt and all.
I've said since i was little that i wantedd to be a boy, wanted guy close and toys. But cause of my crazy regretful and strange desire for social acceptance and to feel like i was doin the 'right' thing, round 5th grade i gave into the bullyin and remarks from my family. I decided i would dress girly and hang with the girls, learn their ways.. to be accepted. Lookin back on it i regret ever doin that to myself cause for years after that i pushed myself into the gossip, judging other girls, wearing makeup (although i hated it), doing my hair, acting as girly as possible just to have friends and feel accepted.
I never really thought about things before i slept before 6th grade. Before then i would occasionally think of waking up and being a guy, havin a closet full of guy close and my mom callin me by drake (my chosen middle name). Sometimes i would do that and wish that every night before i fell asleep for a week straight. But once i hit middle school i had met the most beautiful girl i had layed eyes on and she was all i began to think about. Before bed was when i pictured myself as a guy and dating her.
I became her friend, she, my crush, nobody knew until my last year in middle school when i told a friend who later told my crush. They all just chalked it up to me being a lesbian. I never said i was, never claimed it proudly when others asked. It made me extremely uncomfortable. I never understood why. After years of pushing my true self away and covering him up with a girly girl i began to lose who i was and because somebody else. I felt lost and out of place, overwhelmingly. I began to get anxiety attacks, frequently. It wasn't until my friend drew, came out to me as being transgender. As he explained it i couldn't help but to relate. I was stunned. Disbelief that THIS was what i delt with as a child and is probably why i don't feel right now. I told no one until i looked into it more and the more i thought about it and contemplated it i was positive that i was transgender. Unfortunately my wanting not to be judged and accepted i didn't share this with anyone for a while, not even drew. But i eventually came out and told my mom, well wrote my mom. She tries and then she don't. Everyone mainly gets my name right but pronouns are a different story. I only get the correct ones from strangers, until I'm outed by my mom, or from friends/family who are thinkin of it while talkin to me.
I have a girlfriend, goin on a year now, she knows and she's the same as every one around me with pronouns but worse with my name. She can't seem to bring herself to call me Kade unless i seriously bug her about it. In all honesty i think she don't understand it and don't accept me completely or don't believe me one. She tries sometimes but not like others. We're goin through it right now, i tell you what. The girl is difficult! You'd think after all the years i spent fakin it id understand em but i dont. I want somebody who gets me and tends to me, somebody who looks to me to depend on and protect them. Yes I'm a needy boyfriend. But she, she's just so independent, stubborn and a mean ass but i love her to death. I'm at lost with what to do at this point anymore. I'm too nice of a guy in relationships but at the same time i can be a complete asshole if I'm fed up.
I need someone to understand and need me..
