I'll rate your warrior cat OCs! Just fill out the form, and I'll give you my best advice. I'll try to be honest and fair!
Please try to follow all of the rules, and be respectful towards others. And, of course, have fun!
The pictured kit above doesn't fit her, but it's the closest I could find!
Name┃ Swirlthorn
5/5, I like this a lot!Neither the prefix nor the suffix are overused, and they combine rather nicely.
I do wonder how she got the suffix -thorn, though, since it usually refers to a strong fighter or a sharp-tongued cat.
Reason for name┃ Her colors of her pelt are a swirl of ginger, sandy yellow, and white
Alright!
Age┃ 29 moons
Rather young, only about 25 in human terms.
Gender┃ She-cat
All right!
Rank┃ Warrior/Mentor
Okay!
Appearance┃ A swirl of dusty ginger, pale yellow and white. short hair. Blue eyes, white paws and tail-tip. A little taller than most cats.
12/15 Make sure she has white on her face for the blue eyes!
Anyways, she sounds like either a classic tabby of sorts, or a dilute tortie. (Was I right on either of those? Just curious.)
Family┃
Shallowphase - ginger and grey, father
Great! He has to have been a patched tabby, so I think this works.
Breezelight - pale yellow and white, mother
I think you mean cream by pale yellow, but keep in mind that that's just dilute ginger! Ginger is really, really rare in mollies.
Leafshine - Pale ginger and white, sister
^ See above. Nice name!
Bramblepool - Dark ginger and grey, brother
Okay! This coloration only really works on patched tabbies. (As well as torties, but male ones are excessively rare.)
Personality┃ Swirlthorn is kind and doesn't think things through a lot. She usually takes a head start and wanders everywhere. She thinks from her heart and takes things too offensively sometimes.
15/15 She seems impulsive and a bit absentminded, but also very well-intentioned and empathetic. I would like to see a bit more, but of what you gave me she sounds really great, hence the rating.
Clan┃ Moonclan
Lovely. Remember that the second part is capitalized. (It is, admittedly, a bit weird.)
You would write it as MoonClan. (Ex. ShoreClan, GroveClan, CliffClan, or CloudClan. These are my original clans by the way!)
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An excerpt from Into the Wild. You can find it on Google as a preview when you search it up if you want to check!
Backstory┃ Shallowphase had abandoned her once in a fight against Meteorclan and Dustclan. Her father and mother aren't exactly mates anymore, they are forbidden enemies. As a kit, Swirlthorn admired her mother, but as an apprentice, her mother was lost in a raid and never came back, though we don't know is she's really alive. Her mentor, Poppyskip, had treated her very well and even given her things that shouldn't have been given.
What do you mean by 'they are forbidden enemies'? Was it forbidden love, and they were pitted against one another when their clans found out?
Also, it sounds like Poppyskip spoiled her a bit. Make sure that influences her personality! Maybe she is a bit entitled, but struggles with herself to do better.
As a Warrior, Swirlthorn had a crush on Finchleap AND Berrybranch. She didn't know who to choose. Later on, in a raid, she had lost Finchleap and had to become mates with Berrybranch. Berrybranch was a terrible mate and told her lies about him to impress her. Soon, Swirlthorn tore their mateship in half and they never loved each other again. Swirlthorn left the clan for a while, then met Finchleap, injured in the forest.
Love triangles are rather overdone, but they are interesting plot points. Does Berrybranch really love her, or is more of an Ashfur-like obsession? How did they think Finchleap had died, wrongly? Was he heavily dislikes, and they were looking to be rid of him?
She thought the elders had buried him, but he was out here after all! Swirlthorn finally had hope and she took him to the camp, but then, Finchleap had already died. Later, secrets spilled that Berrybranch killed Finchleap himself in revenge and so he would become Swirlthorns mate. Then Swirlthorn killed Berrybranch herself and was executed. She was never seen after that, but her life as a warrior turned into a life as a kittypet.
I believe you mean exile, not executed lol! The killing-Berrybranch isn't quite how I would think the character would react, but then again, she is very impulsive and acts without thinking. To fit her more, I'd suggest having it be an accident, where she underestimates her own strength and fury. It's interesting that she would choose to be a kittypet, but I suppose she'd prefer to the solitary life of a loner.
Anyways, I really like a lot about Swirlthorn, especially her personality! There are a few things I'd like to have cleared up, but if she's just for fun and not for a story I think she's good as is.
