Octavius

xxvii

My eyes were puffy from crying for the last five days. I hadn't even left the comfort of my bed to drink or eat anything, and my entire body felt sore and discouraged to be commanded.

With a discouraged whimper, I crumpled into a ball of paper and collapsed onto the ground, leaving behind nothing but the essence of misery which swirled through me as I played over the voicemail, over and over again.

Eventually the tears had ceased, and like a caged animal, I curled there on the ground feeling the coldness dig into my skin. Paralyzed in my own body by the tragic feeling of isolation.

It felt as if time stood still; like reality was just an endless nightmare and I was trying everything to claw my way out of the petrifying memories that raced after me. All I needed was to feel nothing. Numb. Everyone had eventually left me—abandoned me. Evelyn. Papa. Cas. Even Octavius.

It felt like someone had reached into the depths of my heart, and clawed and ripped it out with no mercy for me. A state of never-ending misery clouded over me, aura of grey around me— a fog that wouldn't rise or fade.

A continuous tunnel—a tunnel that I couldn't see the end of. A terrible weight fell onto my shoulders, the weight of a giant boulder landed on me strangling my heart from the inside and she couldn't even fight against.

I laid still on the ground, curled into a ball wanting nothing than to disappear from the world. With feeble fingers, I shakily held onto Mr. Snuggles, peeling away the surprise behind his furry heart. I bit my lips to keep me from crying as I held the silver car keys in my hands, a searing pain wormed through my heart and built a home in the cusp of my chest.

He bought me a car. He remembered.

I couldn't do anything but hung my head low, allowing the tears to drop free and unconstricted.

"H-hi." I uttered shakily into the phone, my voice a shell of a whisper barely audible but despite that, I kept talking. "It's Finnie. I know.. I know I promised I wouldn't.. I wouldn't... sugars, I'm sorry. I know it's over but I can't hate you. I miss you. I-I miss you so much, and it hurts knowing that.. that you don't. You never cared about me, and you're probably with another girl—a woman."

        I wiped the tears that painted my shirt wet, sniffing uncontrollably. "And I know, I know you're probably t-tired of receiving my voicemail every day, and I promise this is the l-last one. God, I wish.. I wish we met under better circumstances."

"I wish y-you told me the truth instead of stringing me.. me along but I still wish you.. you the absolute b-best." I inhaled a deep breath every minute trying to force out the words that were bottled inside my throat.

        My eyes welled up, a frustrated sigh escaping my lips. "I hope y-you're happy, even if you betrayed me. Even if.. if you're not sorry for the way I hurt. Even if you shattered my heart. Even if you couldn't care less about me. I hope you're happy, Octavius. Happy.. happy for the both of us. Thank y-you for the present and goodbye."

I ended the call before I could say anything idiotic than everything I had already told him. Despite the fact that he would never listen to the voicemail, I needed to let him know how I felt, that even thought it was absolutely gutting me from the inside, I still wished him happiness. Even if I wasn't happy.