Sad Smiles & Old Scars {Bucky Barnes}

Ch. 25

Song: Can I Sleep in Your Brain by Ezra Furman

"I'm scared," I whisper into his ear as I lay wedged between his arm. My body reclines looking diagonally around the room. A feeling of paranoia washes over me, making me feel as if I were being watched. It feels like HYDRA is still watching me. Even when I thought they weren't on my trail any longer, they were still waiting for me. I won't be able to leave the apartment without Bucky by my side for fear of being followed by them. It's not like I want to leave the apartment anyway as everything I could want is in this building.

"I know," he says quietly. He has his hand on my head, brushing my hair back and out of my face. The way he looks at me tells me he's trying to guess what I am thinking about.

"I felt so empty before," I explain as a fearful shiver trails through my body. "I didn't even remember you. I barely recognized your face, James. I did terrible things and didn't feel any sort of remorse. Now all of those feelings I never felt, I am feeling now. It's so hard," I whisper, afraid to say too much. My voice cracks as I try to hold back the tears. Under HYDRA's command, I did terrible things. I remember the face of every person I had ever done anything bad to. After Wanda used her powers on me so much of my own mind was revealed to me. I do, however, feel an empty spot in my mind. I see fragments of memories with faceless bodies and distorted voices. I don't remember anything before HYDRA first took me. If I try hard to think about what was in the void, all I feel is fear. I cannot remember how I got to HYDRA in the first place. Was I born in their facilities? Did someone leave me on their doorstep like someone would leave a baby at the fire station?

"I know how bad the feeling is. I'm so sorry you have to go through this," he responds after turning the television off. His brunette hair frames his face and his eyes have slight bags proving to me he hasn't slept in a while. He looks utterly exhausted and worn out. He wears a long-sleeved blue henley shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His metal arm reflects the light from the lamp nearby and a watch rests upon his other hand. He's clad in dark denim jeans that are just snug enough to accentuate his features. His hand reaches up and holds my face, calming me down. I close my eyes and lean into his touch, not wanting him to pull away.

"You're the only good thing I seem to remember. Every time I look at you I remember more of the moments we spent together. I think about how you cleaned up my back or how we had to spend hours in the car together finding something to talk about so it wasn't awkward," I bring up with a small, sad smile on my lips. "You're the only good thing in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you... You bring out the good in me," I tell him. I open my eyes to see many emotions on his face.

"I'd spend an infinite amount of awkward hours in the car with you if that means we can be together," he grins. He slowly lets go of my face and places his hand on my hip, pulling me closer. My breath catches in my throat while I immediately tense up. Not because I don't want him to touch me, but because I'm slightly nervous. "Is this okay?" he asks for my permission. I bite my lip as I evaluate my options.

"Yes, very," I stumble over my words and a chuckle erupts from his chest at my nervousness. I bring my dainty hands to grasp his forearms as I look up at him, my eyes switching back and forth between his blue eyes and light pink lips. He licks his lips before leaning forward and placing a small peck on my lips.

"What about this?" he inquires, ensuring he doesn't do anything I wouldn't like. I nod but he shakes his head to dismiss my gesture. "You've gotta tell me, babe," he whispers in my ear, his breath hot on my neck. My heart seizes in my chest and the butterfly feeling fills in my gut. I don't think he's ever called me babe before but I think I like it. Heat pools in my lower half making me feel both slightly aroused and eager.