It's you

And all those lies

Naive. That was the first word that came to his mind as he gently stroked over the shiny emblem of the fake-FBI badge with his thumb. It would always remind him of that day, that talk, what he had asked and what Dean had answered.
Should he be disappointed in himself? Maybe. But he couldn't help it, what else was he supposed to do? Naive. And so unknowing, unknowing of how cruel those human feelings could be, what they could make you do. How they could change you.

„because. We're humans. And when humans want something , really, really bad...we lie."
„Why?"
„Because. That's how you become president."
He didn't understand back then, he understood now. He understood it way too well. Because wasn't that what he's been doing all those years? Lying. Or maybe just not telling the truth? Would that be equal to lying or not as bad? The way Dean had said it „If we want something really, really bad"...He couldn't even describe how really, really bad he wanted it, wanted to be with Dean in a way he never could be.

All in all Castiel felt way more human than he wanted to. Maybe angels were supposed to be capable of love, maybe it was destined that way but this...falling in love with the one hunter both hell and heaven despised and not telling him for like 12 years? Doesn't sound like a proper destiny. So it was his fault, not heaven's not some destiny's, just alone his and his stupid feelings' fault.

He hadn't even noticed how hard he had started to hold the badge. Was he angry? Disappointed? Just confused? Again, Stupid feelings.
With a bit too much force he threw the badge on the bedside table of the room the Winchesters gave him. „You have to tell him", a voice inside his head suddenly said. Tell him?? After twelve years? Are you crazy? He mentally shouted back. What was there to lose? Oh he wouldn't know maybe only his entire friendship with Dean and everything they did together in any way. Telling him was out of the question. But remaining a liar because he wanted something „really, really bad" sounded just as bad.

It really was a dilemma. Usually he would've asked himself „what would Dean do?" now. But in this situation it all depended on his own decision. Did he love Dean? Yes 100%. Did Dean love him back? Cas started at a wall intensely, thinking about this question. Maybe Dean did love him, but just not in THAT way and it was hard for Cas to decide which would be more horrible. Dean avoiding him forever or Dean telling him „I love you too, like a Brother" just one more time. He let his head fall into his hands, pinched the bridge of his nose and somehow tried to clear his head by doing so. The only solution to all of this was that well, once again , his „I can't tell him, our friendship is too important" side won.

In that exact second he heard him shouting from another room. „I'M SICK OF ALL THOSE LIES, SAM! SOMETIMES- sometimes I think this all is a lie, this job- those people- all the problems- even our family...most of the time I think you and Cas are the only people I can trust." Cas looked up at the wall again.

He didn't hear Sam's answer anymore. It didn't matter... He was one of the only two people Dean trusted and he kept this secret from him. Destroying a friendship or not, that was it, the breaking point. He would tell Dean the truth, everything, all of it. Dean was sick of hearing all those lies and so was Cas of telling them. Or more precisely, hiding the truth. He had always thought it would take him a near death experience to confess to Dean but here he was, at least half ready to do it.

His feet carried him before he could think a second time about his choice. The moment he entered the room Dean and Sam were arguing in, it got quiet. And they both looked at the angel, Dean still having anger in his eyes. Cas suddenly felt awkward and out of place. What did he think to just interrupt their argument to make a love confession? Sam cleared his throat as a sign for Castiel to stop just standing there like a rock and start doing whatever he had entered the room for. „Dean, we need to talk", he said, suddenly overwhelmed and feeling nervous. He didn't feel like this usually and he was sure he most definitely didn't like it.

There were a few seconds of silence before Dean answered: „Sure, what is it?" With his lips pressed together Castiel looked from Dean to Sam and after making eye contact with Sam for a second to the floor and back to Dean. „I'd rather talk to you alone about this", he mumbled. Avoiding to look at Sam again. Dean shrugged slightly, his eyebrows furrowing slightly in confusion. Or was it concern?
Cas felt his heart starting to race slightly faster as Dean went closer to him. „No it's alright, I'll go and call Eileen", Sam interrupted and left kind of hurriedly.

All in all the energy in the room felt awkward and unnatural. „So, what's up?" Dean asked looking straight into Castiel's eyes. He was leaning against the table, his arms crossed before his body. Cas stepped closer to him, scared that anyone else could hear what he was about to say, even though they were alone. He struggled with words. „Is everything alright?", Dean asked again, now really sounding more concerned. Cas shook his head lightly and hesitated one more second before starting to speak. „Do you remember that day when you told me that people lie, when they- when they want something very badly?" Suddenly Dean's whole body went tense, just for a second. Maybe because of the lying topic that was bothering him at the moment, but maybe because he remembered that exact conversation so clearly and how he had fixed Cas' tie.

„Yeah, vaguely. Why are you asking?" He tried to play it off cool. Not letting one of the thousand thoughts racing through his head right now escape his mouth. But now standing up straight in front of Cas, letting his arms drop. „Well", Castiel took a deep breath „There is something I've kept from you and I- I think you deserve to know it." Dean frowned immediately. „Cas, what is it?" „well I do want something really, really bad and I've been lying to get as close as I can to that." Dean seemed to get more and more confused with every word.

Castiel let out the deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding. „Cas? Please tell me." Dean said more quietly, placing a hand on Castiel's upper arm, exactly where Dean's own handprint used to be. „I'm so sorry", Cas whispered as tears started to fill his eyes, making them look all glassy. „What the hell Are you sorry for", Dean asked, now not only sounding concerned but almost scared. „For loving you", his voice was so shaky and so quiet, the second he had said it he hoped Dean didn't understand it. But he did. And it took him more than a second to comprehend it. His hand still resting on Cas' arm and their eyes fixated on each other.

„What?", Dean answered, still looking confused and kind of uneasy. „I don't think I can say it again", Castiel whispered now looking down at the floor. „Please", Dean said suddenly, as genuine and softly spoken as one had ever heard it from him. It made Castiel's glance flicker up again, meeting Dean's eyes. If he wasn't mistaken, it almost looked like he was at the edge of tears as well. „I'm in love with you", he said, as honestly as he ever could have. „And I'm sorry."

„What the hell are you sorry for?" Dean asked, his voice sounded sore and you could hear the tears in it somehow. He now placed a second hand on Cas' arm, clinging a bit tighter to the Trenchcoat. „I'm sorry for lying, pretending, keeping the truth from you...and I'm sorry for the way I feel", Cas confessed and he felt tears now actually rolling down his cheeks. „You're serious", Dean stated quietly, almost to himself, as if he hadn't believed it until then. Cas nodded „Of course I am." Slowly Dean raised his hand, slightly swiping away Cas' tears with his thumb. „Please don't apologize." He said gently. „But I've lied to you. All those years." Dean shook his head, stepping even closer. „There's no need to apologize, I've- I have been doing the same thing."

Now it was Cas who got confused, furrowing his brow and tilting his head just a little bit, almost unnoticeable. But Dean noticed. „I never told you, I think for the same reason... you never told me." It felt like a big weight fell of Castiel's heart. „You do love me? The way I love you?", it took him all the rest of his courage to ask this, now he might as well just pass away if the answer was no. „I really do", Dean whispered, his eyes filled with tears and his hands shaking lightly. And suddenly they were in each other's arms. Holding each other so tightly like they could lose the other one by letting go. Dean heard Castiel sobbing into the crook of his neck and put a hand into his hair, just giving the assurance he could give. It was different than all their hugs before, it was intimate and real. „Please never apologize again for the way you feel", Dean whispered into Cas' neck. „Promise?" I shiver went down Castiel's spine. „Promise."