#jeef

BEEF.

beef p.o.v <3

Nowadays, with the internet and everything, you can meet a lot of people in a short amount of time. Often, you don't bat an eye to the passing figures and names. In my case, usernames. As a content creator, you see a lot of people come and go. Colored usernames that flash across the screen and leave nearly as fast. It doesn't matter. It's all a part of it. People don't always stick around. Sometimes they do and still you remain at a distance. Merely a collection of pixels that you will never get to know. Those few times, though. Those few times where you can talk to the usernames. They go from pixels to people. It's special.

I'm not one to care quickly. Especially when the foundation to every conversation is online. I know at first it wasn't me she wanted to talk to most. That was okay. I didn't mind. It was fun having conversations about anything with anyone. Our conversations didn't change the way I went about my day either. I gave her the empty, in between seconds of my day to day. Between streaming and going to the gym, I'd respond to her. Between filming and eating, I'd say hi. It wasn't a big deal. For a while it wasn't.

I did find, eventually, that I spent a lot of my day seeing her name across one screen or another. Either Twitter or Twitch. Eventually, text or Discord. Still, I just said it was a collection of pixels, a passing username. Though I knew this username and the person behind it had talked about me to her friends. Tweets would pop up on my timeline, marked on the top with a small line that read 'Jalepeno liked this' and they would read of vague, humorous jokes and situations that I could lead back to our conversations. I thought I was being self-centered in that regard. Thinking that Jalapeno or any of her friends, for that matter, cared about me so far as to make inside jokes. So, I looked past it. Knowing that I wasn't a permanent thought in anyone's mind. I was the passing username.

Then, things changed.

It was the big day. The main event. The rise to the climax of the story, and none of us knew it until it happened. On my end of the screen, it was a few of the guys I lived with and me. I didn't know that on the other side, it was the same for Jalapeno and her friends. We would no longer be passing usernames. We would be friends.

The jokes would seep from text messages and vague tweets into my roommate's stream, the old subject of our conversations. Ironic. Though, as I eventually did, everyone in his stream found out the meaning of the word 'jeef', which now had an odd meaning and weird power behind it. They ran with it, drowning out the stream with the four lettered word. It didn't matter much to me, I found it funny. Insignificant. No one could believe it anyway. It was all in good fun.

I left Wonderbread's room, hoping that my absence would lead to the end of the conversation. I would get on his stream in my room, still privately being a part of the conversation. The words eventually died out, between Jalapeno begging for it to end and the others finding the joke suddenly tired. I went to twitter, still on the odd adrenaline high of being the center of attention.

I didn't quite know what I was doing, letting my fingers on my mouse lead me quicker than my head. I think I intended to go to Jalapeno's twitter. I wanted to message her and play dumb, act like I didn't know what the subject of the jokes were and why it bothered her. I don't quite know why. I still don't. Why did I care so much about this girl's reassurance that she didn't mind her name being mixed with mine?

I mean, we barely talked. I guess we kinda talked often, but it was just twitter. It wasn't anything important... right?

Anyway, I got to her page and it was nearly deserted. Her profile picture, the one I've become so familiar with, being one of the only things I can see. Her tweets were gone. Her followers were gone. Everything was just ... bare.

I got an odd fight or flight. Like I had to do something. Like it was my fault. I shouldn't have. I don't know why I did. For a moment, if I am honest, I had to reassure myself that she was still a passing username. Regardless, it didn't feel right to ignore the fact that she deactivated her account. I didn't know what I could do about the situation other than just make someone else aware.

I went back to Wonderbread's room, who was still talking and laughing about something completely different into a camera. I had to take a step back, realizing I was walking too fast and thinking too hard. This wasn't a big deal. Why did I care so much? Why did I care with such urgency?

Wonderbread's laughter brought me back to reality, so I walked back into the room without a care in the world. At least, that's how I wanted to be perceived. I knew Jalapeno's friends were probably still in the stream, waiting for something to happen. So, I laughed into the room, and asked Wonderbread to mute his microphone. The only thing I knew to do in the moment. I wished he would've turned his camera off, or just ended the stream completely. Maybe that would've been taking it too far.

Nonetheless, I told him about the twitter profile, feeling guilty and worried and a little bit of confusion all at the same time. He smiled awkwardly, feeling bad but knowing there was nothing he could do right then and there. So I just left his room and let him continue on with his night. As he streamed, I sat at my desk, twiddling my thumbs, kind of wishing I had asked for another way to reach Jalapeno like I wanted to.