The weight of secrecy

Chapter 4

She remained speechless for several minutes, convinced she had misunderstood. Usually , a gentleman making such a request for a formal meeting could only mean one thing , but it could not possibly be the case here. She was just the person he had happened to be walking with when his friend had asked him to keep her company , when her being at all times with them was demanded by the Campbells.

No, he probably had a more painful and difficult confession to make , if his apparent state of distress was any indication. Could he be about to confess a desperate and unrequited love for her friend ?

« You shall have it. But Mr Churchill ... ».

« Churchill ? Miss Fairfax ? Are you ready ? Shall we go out ? »

Solely focused on the glowing complexion of his fiancée , Mr Dixon did not notice the haunted and confused expressions his friends failed to hide when they nodded their answer. Linking miss Campbell's arm in his , he as always led the way out of the house, Jane and Mr Churchill following close behind.

Once out of the house, he let the other pair take a few steps on them , and they walked in silence until the first branching , where a smaller side alley turned away from the main one they were currently on.

After so many hours spent walking on every single path the garden had to offer, their friends taking longer turns and going back on some to lengthen the outing , he knew every possible route by heart, and it was therefore without a hint of hesitation he took the turn toward the smaller path that would later join the main one , enabling him to claim having made a mistake if there was any curiosity on why they had disappeared.

He had thought this through very carefully. She was not sure if she ought to find it reassuring or not. The confession he was about to make really had to be of the utmost importance , for him to take such precautions. At the idea that he might be about to confess having come here nearly everyday in the hope of conquering the affections of her friend , her heart tightened in her chest. He had praised her wiseness several times in the past. To hear him ask about her opinion on what he should do to earn the friendship of another young lady she maybe did not know she could brace herself for, but if the young woman was her sister ..

They took a few more steps before he stopped abruptly , briefly closing his eyes before turning towards her. She raised her eyes to his face , ready to listen to anything he wished to tell her , hoping her distress would not be visible when he mentioned the name of the lady he had fallen in love with.

« Miss Fairfax .. I .. I do not know where to start. Despite many sleepless nights of being tortured by the feelings I had finally come to notice , I have not yet found the words that could do justice to what I feel and to the person inspiring it all. You deserve the most beautiful and just speeches , and I wish I had a better way with words so I could use the right ones. But I cannot stay silent anymore , even less now that .. now that my time here has been cut short by a summon arrived from Enscombe. I cannot spend entire months in the uncertainty that has been torturing me. I need .. I need to speak the wish of my heart, even with imperfect words. You are the kindest and most selfless person I have ever met , miss Fairfax , and you will certainly at least hear me out , even if .. even if the affections I am about to express were not shared »

Her eyes widened in surprise. Feelings .. affection .. was he referring to her ? Could it be ? She was convinced her heart was about to explode from swelling with such hope.

He made an hesitant move toward her , and she let him take her hand.

« I love you , miss Fairfax. With all my heart. Ever since the day I met you , and with every blessed moment I have been lucky enough to spend in your company , my love has grown. Your kindness , sincerity and intelligence have transformed my existence. In only a few months , you have made me a better man. With you .. I have never needed to pretend , and force myself to be the charmer that delights everyone else. You have found again the man that had let himself get lost in a vain society and in what others thoughts of him. You are an angel , miss Fairfax. I know I will probably never deserve your affection, but I swear I will dedicate my life to becoming a better man, to try to be worthy of you , if .. if you will give me a chance to do it everyday for the rest of my life»

He took a deep breath , and his hands were shaking when he spoke the final words of his discourse.

« My dear miss Fairfax , will you marry me ? »

Her eyes filled with tears , her throat was too tight with sobs of joy and happiness to answer at first. How could she deserve this , which she had not even dared to dream about ? No dream could ever have come close to this reality , even more wonderful than anything she could ever have imagined. In this moment , no other thing in the world mattered, nothing beside the man who was holding her hand and making love to her. Dependence , lack of fortune and tyrannic aunts had no grasp on her mind. How could worries ever diminish such feelings ?

Filled with such happiness it almost felt unbearable, she let her heart finally show in her eyes before she managed to speak.

« Yes , she cried. With all my heart. I will marry you , Mr Churchill »

His entire face lit up , the haunted and tortured expression gone in a second as he took her by surprise by sweeping her in his arms , embracing her tightly while she cried of joy. He set her down with unbearable reverence , and her legs were shaking so intensely when he kissed her she was certain she would have fallen had she not been holding his shoulders tightly .

« You have made me the happiest man on Earth , Jane » he whispered.

Hearing her given name come from his lips made her shiver , and she only tightened her grip on him.

« - When do you have to go ?

- Today , he sighed, caressing her cheek with his thumb. My aunt wants me to be on my way without delay.

- When are you coming back ?

- I do not know. I will do my best to be here for the wedding of  Mr Dixon and Miss Campbell, but after such a prolonged absence , I cannot predict when , and if my aunt will spare me again »

Jane turned away to hide her sadness. After having just found the feelings she was convicted of being hopeless had been shared from the start , she had to be separated from the man she had just gotten engaged with for an uncertain and probably long period of time ?

« As soon as she is better , I will try and talk to her. If she sees how attached I am to you , she could be persuaded .. »

« To overlook the matter of the lack of fortune , and of high rank », Jane finished in her head. Another harsh blow on her newfound happiness, already being cut short by the realities of life that had ceased to exist when emotion and feelings had overthrown them.

« We have to keep it a secret for now , then , I suppose » , she whispered.

« Only for now , he said , lifting her chin with two fingers to make her look at him. Only for a couple of months. They will pass quickly »

« The Campbells .. »

« I am afraid nobody can know, not even our closest friends , he said with sorry eyes , brushing her cheek with his fingers. There cannot be even suspicions before I have secured the approval of my aunt , for I am certain she will refuse and not be willing to discuss if it was already considered a decided thing , as you know I always is when the affection between two people is widely known or strongly suspected »

When she did not answer , he looked at her straight in the eyes with determined eyes.

«- I love you , Jane. And if .. if you share my feelings , nothing else matters.

- I will wait for you , Mr Churchill, she murmured softly.

- Frank. Please call me Frank. I want to hear you pronounce my given name .. at least once.

- I will wait for you , Frank , she blushed.
- I shall write to you everyday , so the distance and wait don't appear so great » , he said , pulling her back against him

As she nodded , Jane had the terrible feeling that by having entered a secret engagement with an inaccessible man who had somehow happened to develop feelings for a reserved and penniless young woman , she might have made the greatest mistake of her life.