The Psychology of Love

Chapter 42 Jealousy

He knows he'll go like everyone else eventually, but he wants to leave life with proud feelings.
That he has faced. That he overcame and climbed. That he has set himself free and done his best.

That he has been completely enough for himself so far. Had a plan.

No obstacles could get in the way.

Only love.

Not one day had he missed so far.

Until YU came into his life and he learned about the powers of love.

Sam feels his heart ache.

He knows that there is a third form of jealousy.

The self-generated jealousy is accompanied by paranoid ideas that seem incomprehensible to the outside world.

A toxic mixture of feelings that destroys relationships. Throws people off track. Causes despair and dependence.

And Sam thinks again if maybe he did give YU reason to be jealous.

Yes, he didn't want to just let Hassan go. Wanted to encourage him. He paid attention to him in front of YU.

He tried to put himself in YU's shoes.

And yes, he would be jealous too. More than he would like to admit.

And he would have wanted to devour him afterwards too.

He would show him who he belonged to.

And feel his body under his fingers.

And hear his pleas.

And Sam feels another emotion besides the pain still make its presence felt.

YU has him in the palm of his hand. He can do anything with him.

This attraction. His attraction.

He feels so attracted to him. His body reacts stronger than any cognition.

He wants him. To belong only to him.

To the man who is severely traumatized by the violence of his childhood.

Whose psyche cannot process the replacement of maternal love by sadistic abuse.

Trapped in a feeling of worthlessness. And of auto-aggression.

He is attracted to him.

Does not dare to speak of love. But knows no other superlative of feeling that could describe his emotions for YU.

Supernova.

Sam knows that YU's jealousy was the igniter for a transfer to him today. He lost all control.

Alienated by his psychic imprint.

Sam knows it.

He knows that YU's behavior had nothing to do with him. He was not concerned with Sam. His inner destruction only gained the occasion to actively rage because of Sam.

And all the repressed, pent-up feelings YU transferred to him.

As if life was against his existence.

Show him his worthlessness through Sam.

Sam saw this self-destructive urge already during his psychotic episode.

Only he can no longer respond with an adequate countertransference. He simply can't.

There are shackles on him. He cannot confront the powers of love.