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"No way to go
I was fine to die"
- tomorrow by together , 0X1=LOVESONG (i know i love you)
tw // intrusive thoughts + mentions of depression and suicide
✩
A lone calendar sat on yeonjun's desk as daylight entered through the small gap between the curtains. the messy stacks of random objects filled the floorspace of his room, leaving barely any room for anyone to walk through. yeonjun laid in the middle of his bed, staring into the void of nothingness, only his thoughts keeping him company in the cold room.
he spiralled down the rabbit hole of thoughts. those pesky intrusive thoughts that just refuse to leave you at peace. each minute that passed by felt as if time slowed down tenfold.
what if all of his friendships were built on lies?
what if he just disappeared from the face of the earth?
would anyone care?
was there even a point in living?
what was his purpose?
is there even a purpose?
the 'what ifs' tortured his mind as he sat in silence, trying his best to drown out the thoughts, but unfortunately succumbed to them.
yeonjun had a few months before he started his second year of college, deciding to spend his break alone since most of his friends travelled with family and his family did not have time to visit him. he didn't mind the lack of company, he had already gotten used to the silence that filled the house that now became comforting. with no one to spend time with, he spent most of his time in his room, contemplating his existence and life in general.
there were those ups and downs during his break, the ups boosting his morale while the downs kept him down for a long time. this time was one of his downs-- probably one of the worst since the break started.
he felt guilt for having these problems, for feeling these complicated feelings and emotions. there were times wherein he didn't even know what he was feeling, or didn't know how to express them. he felt as if everything was his fault. that if he was a better kid, maybe he would have a better relationship with his mother. or if he tried harder, maybe he wouldn't be in this position.
yeonjun felt alone. isolated.
he enjoyed being alone, he enjoyed the alone time he had to himself, resting and doing things he loved. feeling alone on the other hand, left a lingering feeling of numbness as if there was a hole that couldn't be patched up. he felt that no one would be there for him in the end, that he would be the only one who could help himself.
he knew that he had an amazing set of friends, heck, they were friends since middle school. he met a new friend in college that helped him come out of his shell ever so slightly. but that feeling of numbness and pain doesn't go away just by the snap of a finger.
there were days that he felt as if he was the best version of himself because of his friends, but it could come crashing down at any time. he felt guilty for feeling those things since he knew that he had amazing friends. he thought that he had it easier than other people and that he didn't deserve to feel any of this.
the trips to the therapist lessened and lessened. the motivation to leave the comfort of his bed slowly became nonexistent. he knew that he wouldn't get any better by doing these, but he couldn't help himself.
he really wanted to get better, but sometimes, the darkness starts becoming comforting and it's tempting to stay in the darkness. the darkness welcomed him and gave him a sense of 'safety' since there was no place darker than that.
the pain became unbearable as the weeks passed. he didn't see the purpose in living any longer. if all he could feel was pain, then why would he want to live? he didn't want to die, he just wanted the pain to go away. he felt as if suicide was the last option, yet it felt like the only option. he wanted to be reunited with his father, to live in peace with his role model and hero.
what was stopping him?
nothing.
then again, many things were stopping him.
he wanted to get closer to his friends, to get closer to his step-family, or even fix his relationship with his mother. he wanted to live to see himself heal one day, if that day even came. he wants to graduate college and live his life, free from the chaos within himself.
he had a debate with himself. to stay or not to stay?
he came to the conclusion that he would give himself a time period to think about it, a 'free trial' if you will. he rose from the depths of his bed for the first time in what felt like forever, and walked to his desk where his calendar stood.
he decided for the final day to be towards the end of his second year, on the last day of the chosen month. he took out a black pen and wrote within the box of the last day. written was the word 'goodbye.' and then encircled using the same black ink.
he placed the calendar back down, staring at it as he thought to himself. he knew that this period of time in his life would be a literal life changing moment. he knew that he couldn't really do anything besides live his life to the fullest to see the outcome.
✩
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a/n
hey guys! this chapter was really heartbreaking to write since i experienced a lot of what i wrote in this, and i'm so sorry it took a while to update. i just want you guys to know that everything that you are feeling is valid and you are never alone <3
have a good rest of your day/night and thank you for reading my book :]
